This sucks.

My lower back feels like someone is stabbing me with a hot knife.

....And I left my pills in my other bag.

Good going T.

Today.

An hour long MRI is NOT fun.

Neither are the anxiety attacks it caused.

Or the endless tears as well.

To say I'm a nervous, overwhelmed soul on the verge of insanity is the understatement of the year.

By the 30min mark I was trying to crawl out of my skin.

I'm still suffering the effects of being in there for that long.

I hope to god they find whatever is wrong with my neck and my back because heaven help me, I will lose my mind if I have to go through that shit again.

Update?

I've realized that making a few changes in my life has made a world of difference. I'm happier right now, more calmer, I'm more focused on me and my wants, so that definitely helps. It's funny, before the New Year, I did a numerology reading for the upcoming year and it said something about this year, 2011, being a loner year for me.

and you know what?

They're right.

I'm spending more time by myself and just enjoying the quietness. I've always been a loner(severe to some), but this year in particular, I have this incredibly intense need to be left alone. I have no desire to put forth an effort with anyone. I'm more grounded, more resilient, and generally speaking, more "me" centered.

It's been a long time coming.

So I'm happy with how things are going right now

Test

Blogging hiatus...

I don't feel like sharing.
Some things are better kept to yourself.
This month has been a emotionally, spiritually, mentally challegning time.
I haven't even bothered to go into detail with %75 of what REALLY happened. The most people got was %25 of the pie.
I don't feel like involving everyone.
I don't feel like whining or bitching about my problems to anyone, I don't have the energy for that shit anymore.
2011 is going to be different.
My focus is going to be different. I'm promising myself to write in my journal at least once a day.
I want MY dreams to happen.
That's how I'm going to live my life from now on.
If I want you to know something, I'll tell you...trust
If not? then you're on your own holmes.
I'm on the right path.
Everything I've prayed for is coming to fruitation(except for a few minor/major things). So many doors are being opened to me, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I feel good about where I'm heading, I know I'm going to be alright.
Just have to be patient.

Scattered...

Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Scattered.
Hurt?
Pissed?
Just. off.

I'm frustrated and I don't know why. I'm not sinking into a depression(however, there is some self-loathing in there), but I'm just annoyed and flustered. Everything so far is fine, I'm getting back into shape(my sister and cousin both noticed that I'm losing weight), my bills are paid, I'm on track to save more than enough money for school, and so far, minus a few things here and there, I'm stable...or so I thought?

I think it's time for me to take a big ole break from everyone and just let this frustration shit pass.

Well that explains it...

Dear T,

On December 13, you will face a definite hurdle as Mars moves close to Pluto. Fortunately, if you act carefully, you can turn these challenging energies to your favor.

When the powerful forces of Mars and Pluto come together, they can leave you feeling dissatisfied, stuck in a rut, and longing for change and action. If you feel incapable of bringing about such change - a common feeling when Mars and Pluto come together - you may experience an uncommon amount of frustration. The flip side of this is that you'll also have some very strong influences working on your behalf ... if you choose follow their lead.

The combination of Mars, the planet of action, and Pluto, the most intense planet in the galaxy, can give you powerful focus and drive. This could be the perfect opportunity to complete a major task or achieve a long-sought goal - but you'll have to tread carefully because your irritation level will be high. Any interruptions to your work - especially petty ones - could potentially stir your anger. It's important to keep your cool under these circumstances, remembering that what you're feeling and experiencing is an astronomical alignment that will soon pass.

Also keep in mind that this partnership of Mars and Pluto will occur in Capricorn, where Mercury is making its retrograde motion. First, this means that if you focus your drive toward something related to Capricorn - money, business, etc. - you'll achieve more success. Second, it means that you will need to be very careful in your communication, as discussions could become heated! The best way to avert trouble is to simply avoid anyone likely to push your buttons - at least to the extent that you can.

Mars and Pluto will certainly bring out your more primitive emotions, but if you can rise above them and exercise a little patience, you can achieve incredible success!

Me.

right.

now.