oh yeah, that happened too...

I was on a roll so I figured, why not another post?!?!?!

So this one is going to talk about love and loved, well I thought it was loved lost.

In a nutshell? I had a lover who I developed what *I* thought was feelings/love even. Our relationship wasn't normal by any means, frankly, he had a tendency to be a complete dickheaded assmuncher. Everything in my gut, in my spirit told me that I needed to let him go because if I wanted a meaningful relationship, I had to sever my ties with him. There were times where I decided that I was done with him and I didn't stay true to my word and went back. 

That changed this summer. 

Since I spent my entire summer in clinic, I had a lot of time on my hands since I didn't have to worry about studying and I was done on Fridays by 10am. You would think that this would lead to us spending more time together(in bed of course), but the opposite happened.

I. barely. saw. the. man.

Between the months of June to August, I saw him....3 times. Now, see I understood that he has a son and he spent most of his time with him. However, there was really no excuse for the lack of...you know. I guess he felt that because the sex was fucking great and that I stuck around for his bullshit, I would be a-ok with it.

Yeah, no, fucker. 

Little did he know, I was in the process of completely checking out of our "relationship". Not to take anything away from him as a lover, but if I was completely honest with myself, our "relationship" was good for awhile, but it was never meant to last. I don't know if it was because I wanted more, but I felt weighed down by our situation. Here was a guy, who on paper, was everything I wanted, but he had a mean streak that sometimes was directed towards me. He never hit me, but he had a way of putting me down verbally and saying hurtful things to me that showed me that he just didn't give a shit about my feelings. He wasn't a bad guy per se, but I needed a partner, a companion and I didn't need someone who couldn't even muster a ounce of emotion where I was concerned.  So I decided for one last time, to block him, to be done with him. 

The day I blocked him, I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. I felt hopeful, felt free. This whole time I've been in this situation with him, I've felt like I was holding myself back,  just waiting on him to realize he felt something for me. I realized that that kind of thinking, wasn't fair to me or fair to him. Dickhead or not, I shouldn't have placed expectations of him because we went into our situation understanding that it was purely physical and I couldn't flip the script just because I caught feelings.  I've never regretted blocking him, I knew for me, it was the right step in the right direction. I want something more than being some dude's bootycall, I want something substantial, with promise, something better. I deserve it.

Of course he contacted me recently, after being mia since August, but his ass is nice and comfy on my blocked phonelist, so there he will stay. Boy bye.

I was on OKCupid and for a bunch of "liberal/progressive" types, they are very "tribalistic" so no bueno. I deactivated my account, I don't have the time. At some point, I'll probably delete my account. 

I have days where I'm so hopeful and so sure that my 'someone' is right around the corner, and then there days like yesterday where I hear stories about great guys doing thoughtful things for their girlfriends and all I can think is: "when is it my turn?"

I know I have to be patient, have to hold onto faith, so that's what I'm going to do. In the meantime, I'm going to concentrate on school, my health, and getting out and enjoying life.

Till next time.

Ok, I'm done writing.