I will do this.

I will tell how I feel, how your actions shaped who I am today.

How I believe that love can't be trusted, how it hurts, how it makes you stupid.

I'm going to tell him, I will never forget when he left me in the hospital to go on a family trip, or when he threatened my sister that if "they" weren't allowed to come along for the ride, he wouldn't drive her back to school.

How he never spent not ONE New Year's with us.

How every gift we've ever given him, stays in the trunk of his car.

He can't sit there and expect me to welcome them with open arms..now, how's that fair to me? How? Now you don't want to treat us like dirty little secrets? Now you want all your kids to be together? I don't want that now. My god, I'm trying to undo all the fucking damage you did to me, but noooo, its good for you now, damn what I'm feeling, right Dad?

What about my healing? What about my feelings? What about my recovery?

I'm not ready.

I don't think I'll ever be ready.

I hope to God you understand.

Fuck you, you BETTER understand.
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I don't know which way is up...

How I'm able to walk, much less have energy after a 2hour pole class Sunday afternoon and a unbelievable date with GG that very evening.

I can't describe it really. How do I describe the shit he does to me? I don't even know anymore. This is something beyond my understanding.

When I first got to his place, I didn't greet him with a kiss(I'm always twitchy about whether to go for it or follow his lead), but anyway, he decided that once we got into the elevator, he went for it.

And it left him shivering.

Heh.

So we finally made it to his place, where he:

* Abused the back of my neck(I swear no one can tease me into stupidity like he does, he just ugggg it feels beyond amazing).
*Spanking(yeah for someone who doesn't like doing it, he's done it a lot...ha!)
*At some point, we just kissed, no sex, just ....kiss. I'll admit it was nice because it was just us exploring each other's lips.
*He spent forever, no seriously like a good forever using his fingers on me, I swore at one point I was going to pass out....it was by far the most incredible thing ever. He wouldn't stop, hell I tried to stop him many times, but he just wouldn't stop plowing me with orgasms.

Ugggggg he has me sprung...HARD,

I've noticed with GG, that he's not really into shit talking during sex, so imagine my surprise and UTTER delight when he said in the middle of a severe konging

"this is my pussy. Do your hear me? My pussy."

*errrrrrr*

Well...alrighty then!

It's just feel like a special treat when he embraces his inner beast. I swear he's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one moment he's all about soft kisses and caresses and the next, he's four fingers deep in me, demanding that I give him two more orgasms, or he's examining Gloria(my noot noot), discovering all the ways he can use his fingers to make me cum.

Ugggg I want more.

Soon.
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Anxiety, sans ropas, and school...Part 1

Living with anxiety/depression hasn't been a walk in the park.

It's always so easy to say be "happy", "perk up", "don't get down", but you can't until you live it, until you have no motivation to do anything. You want so desperately to be happy, you hate worrying all the time, but you can't help it, you fall prey to your emotions.

It's like you don't want to fight anymore.

My dream of becoming a Rad Tech is coming true, I'm not going to lie and say its been a easy road, but after I passed the entrance exam the second time, it's been a breeze....

Until I needed a $4,000 loan to cover the costs.

I've cried about, I've worried about it, and I still haven't wrapped my mind around it.

Every co-signer I've used has been denied and I was forced to ask my grandfather for the money.

I didn't want to do it, but I had no choice.

You have to understand my hesitation, my grandparents are the most selfish people I know and they're all about material things.

Helping their grandkids with ANYTHING is not exactly on top of their to do list.

So I asked him anyway, and now I'm in limbo because he hasn't given me an answer if he's going to give me the money.


Which has made my anxiety worse.

But I'm going to figure it out, I've come this far, I have to see this thru.
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