Vision...

I'm going to start a vision board.

And the very thought overwhelms me.

In a good way.

:)
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Smart Ball Challenge!

While browsing my favorite sex website, I came across a review for Fun Factory Smart balls. I've used Smart balls in the past, but stopped using them because I got lazy, and frankly at the time I wasn't fucking anyone and didn't see the point.

But after reading the reviews, I've decided to give it another go. So I'm going to try to wear my smartballs everyday for a month and see if I(or GG) can feel the difference.

Wish me luck!
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I'm ok...

It's been emotionally rough for me these past few months. I've gone through so many highs and lows, my head is spinning. I'm trying to pick myself up and move on. I still struggle with some things(IE making the first move while Internet dating and being scared of rejection), but I'm going to forge ahead, it's all I can do.

My meltdown, so to speak, was largely due to my negative feelings of self-worth and how I believe that I could never "measure up" to perfection(aka my cousin).

This whole "thing" with EB and GG really shed a light on my low self-esteem/self-worth issues. I always believed that I wasn't "good enough", wasn't "pretty/sexy enough", and that led to a lot of self-loathing that became the norm for me.

I've taken the step to hash this out in therapy because I want to be rid of my demons, of the the things that hold me back. I can never truly be whole, but I want to be healed at least.

In regards to EB, he was laid off from his job this past week so I probably won't see him again, which I think is a good thing. I believed having him around constantly reminded me that I wasn't the one he wanted, which in turn fed into my self- loathing. Today, I learned some news about EB and I was beginning to get mopey and cranky about the whole situation and Q guessed that I was self-sabotaging myself because I was in a happy mood today, so I stopped myself. She's right though, he isn't my problem so why let him, someone who is bringing NOTHING to my life, ruin my great day?

So I didn't, and I'm having a pretty good day.

In regards to my "situation" with GG.....I had some fears where he's concern..but... we cleared the air so to speak and now we're good.

So..I'm finding my way to happiness.

?

I was/am in such a bad mood/place yesterday and it didn't go unoticed by my sister.

She felt my mood from the moment I walked in the door, I had to stop myself from crying so many times it was nuts. Knowing that something was off, she asked me about EB and I told her I didn't want to talk about it.

I didn't have the emotional energy to go there, how do I put in words about how I'm feeling? how do I make her understand the hell I'm going through? I can very well tell her, but how do I stop the snowball that'll occur?

Thank goodness I'm in therapy...for real.
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Sinking...

I'm sinking deeper into a depression...

And I don't want to stop myself.
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I feel...

I don't feel like anything today.
I feel like a worthless, piece of shit.
I'm confused, angry, disgusted, and sick of myself
Apparently, I'm a repellent. Repulsive. Gross

Who would want to deal with me? I'm mean, selfish, scared, and closed off
I can't be sexy...don't know how
Damn sure ain't pretty. Beautiful. Pfft
I'm nothing.

I don't feel like a woman.
I'm suppose to be this vibrant, beautiful, sexual creature.

and I can't even get that shit right apparently.

My dating life has been non-existent...and that's because...there is something wrong with me.

I can fool myself into thinking that I'm picky or that I have high standards, but I know deep down...

There has to be something wrong with me that no one wants to take a chance with me.

None...at all.

I just want someone to say I'm beautiful, I'm gorgeous, just something. I don't even get that.
Someone to listen to me...just shut up and listen.
You can hear me, but are you listening to me?

But I get nothing.

Because at the end of the day, I am nothing.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

My self-esteem and self-worth is shot to hell...

There's lint in my hair!!!!!

Sex with GG? Incredible doesn't even come close. Cripes that's one way to spend Labor Day.

Getting lint in my fucking HAIR?

And not just a little bit, my fucking hair looks blue with all the fucking lint in it.

He changed his fucking sheets.

THAT pissed me off.

So I'm going to be nice and buy him sheets because I refuse to put up with fucking lint in my hair.

Once I get over my pissivity at having to re-wash my hair(even though its not due for a wash until Wednesday), I'll dish on the most mind-blowing sex ever.

This fool decided mid-blow job that he was going to: use his yoga contraption, my bondage tape, a blindfold, and a pillow to pretty much arrange a meeting with White Jesus because I've never had anyone take me over the edge of sanity like that before.

I was in tears.

Yep.

Incredible.
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