Slow down.

It's been some week.

We lost a family friend to cancer, I started my new hours and for the second time in 3 years, I've cried during pole class.

Anne was a close friend of my great-aunt who lost her battle with stomach cancer a week ago Thursday.

My great-aunt had escorted her back to Barbados so that she can live out the rest of her life surrounded by her kids and grandkids.

Her death was felt by me and my family since she lived in our building and my mom would cook dinner for her and juiced vegetables for her.

So the Sunday following her death, I went to class and acted like everything was normal...I was "fine"...and boy was I wrong.

I cried during the warm-up
During the moving meditation
And during my free dance

I just couldn't pretend anymore.

Sarah was right, once you walk through those doors, your armor is gone.

I wasn't done grieving just because I cried when I heard the news, I had to honor my feelings. I miss her and want her here with us, with everyone who loved her.

I'm still grieving.

In class today, my teacher made an observation that I needed to breathe, to exhale, because she felt I was in a rush to get my feelings out all at once during my dance.

She couldn't be more right.

I even noted to her that I felt I was rushing myself and in a way I was. I picked a song that didn't make me feel weepy and I put up a wall between myself, my feelings, and my will NOT to cry again.

I was blocking my emotions.

I'm going to honor my feelings, it doesn't do me any good.
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Heh.

Not only did he get me a cute butt plug, but he also got me anal-ease.

So I gave him a prostate orgasm to show my appreciation.

*shrugs*
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Um..damn.

Those smartballs have definitely made showertime MUCH more enjoyable....holy hell....
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This one...

He's slowly climbing up my happy side.

Here's the thing with him, he does what he's suppose to(INCREDIBLE, mind bending, soul weeping, sore as fuck sex, communication...at times, when his phone or my attitude isn't shitty), but because the only time we talk is when we want to see each other naked, we don't know shit about our daily lives.

Fine
Cool
I'm happy with that.

It becomes an issue when my impatience takes over when he doesn't reply in a timely manner, like this week. I sent a filthy text requesting his "services" this weekend, but I didn't hear him 4hrs later.

And yes, my past experience with Tat left me wondering if this was "it/over/the end."

Ahhhhhhhhhhh I don't want to go back to AFF....fuck!

But it wasn't even the case, he was in the middle of an audition, and he apologized for not responding sooner.

*deep sigh*

I need to BE patient with him, and stop freaking out.

Especially considering, our last time, he met me at the door butt ass naked and gave me one HELL of a hello kiss before taking the "activities" to his desk....good gawd....

So anyway, our date this weekend was cancelled because he was asked to do a reading. Now I don't mind, because frankly, I'm tired as fuck and I need the rest.

So him canceling on me was kinda of expected...the life of fucking an actor.....

What I DIDN'T expect was this from him: " I went out and got something for you. ;)"

Or this: "Do you have some time during the week? Or would Friday be the earliest we could start your "training"."

Training? A gift?

Da fuck? I betcha its a butt plug....or restraints, but we've played/used and abused my bondage tape, a butt plug???....and the ass won't give me a fricking clue....but "training" for WHAT?...he won't say shit....

The suspense!!!!!