Goodbye My Love

Rest in Peace Coco Chanel Sephora
Mommy will miss you terribly.


June 10, 2005- August 6, 2013

It just got real.

Hola everyone!

It's been a crazy month for me, between a bout of bronchitis and finals, it's been one hell of an rollercoaster. I'm feeling much better now thankfully, and I'm sure I passed all my finals which is always a good thing. In other news, life is just moving along swimmingly, no complaints really. I changed my number, so that took care of my J problem. I had a lovely conversation with my doctor crush which was really nice. I'm thinking nothing of it because it was just a conversation, nothing earth shattering. I think I'm indifferent to men at the moment, I don't want to be bothered. 

I'm entering my last semester of school so I plan on focusing on that and using this time to review for my state exam. I can't wait to be done with school, geebus!

Till next time!

Happy New Years!

New Year. A new me.

It's finally 2013! I was NEVER so happy to see 2012 shown the door, that was a year of tremendous ups and downs, out with the old and in with the new. With that said, I woke up this morning, feeling down because I didn't go out for New Years, but I read something from Joel Osteen about today being a brand new day, a new start, to let go of the past and press forward into the new. That made me feel a million times better so much so, that I wrote it in my journal ever in case I need it to pick me up. This year, I plan on finishing school, graduating and passing my state exam. With God's will, I will start working as a licensed Radiologic Technologists at a great hospital with even better pay and hours.

In health news, I'm back on my yoyo dieting nonsense. I haven't worked out in 2 weeks and practically ate everything in sight. Well this year, no more bullshit. More water, more green veggies, more healthy eating. My birthday is right around the corner and I want my BBB...Banging Birthday Body. I have at least 15-20lbs to lose and I'm more than determined to make that happen. Since I can workout at my job for free, I'm going to take advantage of the classes and the facilities.

On the love front, J contacted me on Christmas Eve but of course I didn't reply. Meh. I have 3 crushes, one that I actually had a convo with but it's all in the beginning stages. I don't know if either one of them like me in the romantic sense, so I don't know at this point. But I'm confident that I'll meet that special person this year.

Till next time!

Thank you.

Well hello there!

I've been a little buzzy bee these past few weeks. Let's see:

* I'm kicking ass and taking names in school. I have my good and bad days in clinic but overall? I feel more comfortable as a future tech.
* J decided to rear his stupid head again. His attempt at being funny was an epic FAIL, that all I could do is laugh. As I've said before, his ass has been permanently blocked so whatever. It's funny that for a man who loved being in control and acting like a jackass at times can't handle it when the shoe is on the other foot.
*SCANDAL IS MY LIFE. I LIVE for Tony Goldwyn and Kerry Washington..LIVE for those two.
* I have a crush, but you know what? I'm not going to drive myself fucking nuts over it. Meh, if it happens, it happens.
* My family has been there for me while I go through this shit with the YMCA. I'm THISCLOSE to writing a letter to their corporate office about the treatment I'm receiving. I've never seen a branch run so.....terrible in my life.
* The saying: " When one door closes, another one opens" has never been so true. I'm not going to speak on it, all I can do is put it in God's hands and keep plowing forward.
* Xmas is almost here and I'm behind on making gifts. I have 4 more people to make stuff for and I'm HOPING that I'll be finish in time.

Ok, that's all for now.

Bye!

Well...That was weird

When you take control away from a man....apparently they lose their shit.

Since we last spoke, Mr. Jackass was sitting comfortably on my blocked list. Well, after not replying to his last lame ass text, he decided...HEY, let's text her again and not only insult her but show my ass as well. 

....and show his ass he did.

"Happy Thanksgiving! I know I've been a bad man...but don't be mad, I've only given you 2 or 3 STD's...no that was someone else...ok you can ignore me."

Who. The. Fuck. Say. Shit. Like. That?

I'm baffled and extremely amused at this turn of events. Here was a guy who, would ignore my texts, answer me when HE felt like it and dammit if it meant replying 3 days later, so be it. He was a dick at times, not above saying mean shit to me, and took pleasure in treating me like nothing more than an annoyance. To see this dickhead become desperate to the point of making a complete ASS of himself, tickles me. I guess he doesn't like the shoe on the other foot so much.

Oh. Well.

In other news, I'm still looking for work. I did get a job with an well known non for profit organization, but apparently, they're run by monkeys and completely botched my start date, so  as of right now, everything is up in the air. Which sucks, because that means I have to start looking for work again. 

In boy news, I have a crush. 

33 yr old doctor, super cute, BANGING BODY, lived in India and South Africa and is a gym member at the fitness club I work at. His voice? can't melt panties. The only downside is that he's going through a divorce and for right now, he's used goods. 

That doesn't mean I can't admire from afar!

oh well, till next time!

You are doing the most....

Friday:

6am: Gym
8am-4pm: Clinic rotations
5pm: Home to change
7:45-10:15- Crissy off the wall pole party
1:21am: Arrive home

Saturday:

Lay in bed until 11am
12:30pm: Leave for work
9pm: Get home from work

Sunday:

Clean Fridge
Do nails
Pack gym bag

Monday: BED
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

oh yeah, that happened too...

I was on a roll so I figured, why not another post?!?!?!

So this one is going to talk about love and loved, well I thought it was loved lost.

In a nutshell? I had a lover who I developed what *I* thought was feelings/love even. Our relationship wasn't normal by any means, frankly, he had a tendency to be a complete dickheaded assmuncher. Everything in my gut, in my spirit told me that I needed to let him go because if I wanted a meaningful relationship, I had to sever my ties with him. There were times where I decided that I was done with him and I didn't stay true to my word and went back. 

That changed this summer. 

Since I spent my entire summer in clinic, I had a lot of time on my hands since I didn't have to worry about studying and I was done on Fridays by 10am. You would think that this would lead to us spending more time together(in bed of course), but the opposite happened.

I. barely. saw. the. man.

Between the months of June to August, I saw him....3 times. Now, see I understood that he has a son and he spent most of his time with him. However, there was really no excuse for the lack of...you know. I guess he felt that because the sex was fucking great and that I stuck around for his bullshit, I would be a-ok with it.

Yeah, no, fucker. 

Little did he know, I was in the process of completely checking out of our "relationship". Not to take anything away from him as a lover, but if I was completely honest with myself, our "relationship" was good for awhile, but it was never meant to last. I don't know if it was because I wanted more, but I felt weighed down by our situation. Here was a guy, who on paper, was everything I wanted, but he had a mean streak that sometimes was directed towards me. He never hit me, but he had a way of putting me down verbally and saying hurtful things to me that showed me that he just didn't give a shit about my feelings. He wasn't a bad guy per se, but I needed a partner, a companion and I didn't need someone who couldn't even muster a ounce of emotion where I was concerned.  So I decided for one last time, to block him, to be done with him. 

The day I blocked him, I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. I felt hopeful, felt free. This whole time I've been in this situation with him, I've felt like I was holding myself back,  just waiting on him to realize he felt something for me. I realized that that kind of thinking, wasn't fair to me or fair to him. Dickhead or not, I shouldn't have placed expectations of him because we went into our situation understanding that it was purely physical and I couldn't flip the script just because I caught feelings.  I've never regretted blocking him, I knew for me, it was the right step in the right direction. I want something more than being some dude's bootycall, I want something substantial, with promise, something better. I deserve it.

Of course he contacted me recently, after being mia since August, but his ass is nice and comfy on my blocked phonelist, so there he will stay. Boy bye.

I was on OKCupid and for a bunch of "liberal/progressive" types, they are very "tribalistic" so no bueno. I deactivated my account, I don't have the time. At some point, I'll probably delete my account. 

I have days where I'm so hopeful and so sure that my 'someone' is right around the corner, and then there days like yesterday where I hear stories about great guys doing thoughtful things for their girlfriends and all I can think is: "when is it my turn?"

I know I have to be patient, have to hold onto faith, so that's what I'm going to do. In the meantime, I'm going to concentrate on school, my health, and getting out and enjoying life.

Till next time.

Ok, I'm done writing. 

Time flies and things change......

It has been awhile.
Too long...

I decided to take this blog into another direction to reflect the ongoing changes in my life. I've gone through ups and downs, lost friends and gained friends, got sick then got better, so I wanted to have a blog that focused more on the good things that are happening with my life.

One of the biggest obstacles that I've faced since my last post was my health. I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my right knee and 2 months after that, I was sideline for almost a month with Plantar Fasciitis in my left foot. I felt like my life was turned upside down, I couldn't stand on my feet for a long period of time, I had to wake up 15 minutes earlier to do foot stretches, and I couldn't work out until my foot felt better. I didn't understand why I was going through this, why I was once again sidelined with a conditioned that affected my life and my goal of being a Radiologic Tech. Everyone I talked to wondered how I was going to manage since once of things about being a tech, is that you're on your feet for an extended period of time. To say  I was in a bad head space was an understatement, but little did I know, things always happen for a reason. 

After doing tons of research on Plantar Fasciitis, I realized that losing weight helped with reducing pain and relieving pressure off my feet. After being diagnosed with Plantar Fasciitis in my right foot, I decided to up my gym days. These days I work out 5 days a week and not only has my conditioned improved but I've never felt better. I have more energy, my weight has decreased and my strength has increased. At the time I couldn't see the forest from the trees but now I realized that having this conditioned has turned into a positive experience for me. 

In other news, I'm entering my senior year in Rad. Tech school and it has been an amazing experience. Once again life has shown me, it doesn't matter how much you plan something, life always takes you into a different direction. When I applied to school, I knew I wanted to eventually study Mammography.  This year as a senior, I was able to rotate through an advance modality such as CT, MRI and Mammo. Well of course, I chose Mammography and I was beyond excited to get a chance to learn as much as possible about performing Mammograms. 

Life however, had different plans.

Long story short, after spending a few hours in the Mammo department and having to leave early due to the state performing evaluations, I was sent to the MRI department  to work and observe. Entering school, I knew I had no interest in performing MRI's OR being a MRI tech. It was too hard, too confusing, and I wasn't having anything of it. However, after being there that day and working with the tech who was impressed at my ability to understand how to operate the machine, something clicked for me. I enjoyed it IMMENSELY. As life would have it, the next day after I realized I wouldn't be able to work on cases in the Mammo department, I switched modalities and spent the next 2 weeks being immersed in everything about MRI's. The tech trusted me enough to prep patients in the tube and even remove contrast IV's.  Once my rotation was over, I made the decision that once I graduate and begin working, I will attend the MRI cross training program at my school. I'm still going to do mammo because as a woman tech, it makes me more marketable, but my goal is to be a MRI tech. Luckily, the program is only 3 months and occur 2 nights a week.

I got a job with the YMCA and I'm hoping to get a start date so a girl can get paid. For now, I work at a gym on Saturdays which while nice, I rather not spend my weekends working, I need a serious amount of study time as I prep for the *cues dramatic music* The Big Scary Registry Exam!

Well, that's enough for today. Bye!

my world...

involves muscle relaxers

physical therapy

back pain

and more pain.

This sucks.

My lower back feels like someone is stabbing me with a hot knife.

....And I left my pills in my other bag.

Good going T.

Today.

An hour long MRI is NOT fun.

Neither are the anxiety attacks it caused.

Or the endless tears as well.

To say I'm a nervous, overwhelmed soul on the verge of insanity is the understatement of the year.

By the 30min mark I was trying to crawl out of my skin.

I'm still suffering the effects of being in there for that long.

I hope to god they find whatever is wrong with my neck and my back because heaven help me, I will lose my mind if I have to go through that shit again.

Update?

I've realized that making a few changes in my life has made a world of difference. I'm happier right now, more calmer, I'm more focused on me and my wants, so that definitely helps. It's funny, before the New Year, I did a numerology reading for the upcoming year and it said something about this year, 2011, being a loner year for me.

and you know what?

They're right.

I'm spending more time by myself and just enjoying the quietness. I've always been a loner(severe to some), but this year in particular, I have this incredibly intense need to be left alone. I have no desire to put forth an effort with anyone. I'm more grounded, more resilient, and generally speaking, more "me" centered.

It's been a long time coming.

So I'm happy with how things are going right now

Test

Blogging hiatus...

I don't feel like sharing.
Some things are better kept to yourself.
This month has been a emotionally, spiritually, mentally challegning time.
I haven't even bothered to go into detail with %75 of what REALLY happened. The most people got was %25 of the pie.
I don't feel like involving everyone.
I don't feel like whining or bitching about my problems to anyone, I don't have the energy for that shit anymore.
2011 is going to be different.
My focus is going to be different. I'm promising myself to write in my journal at least once a day.
I want MY dreams to happen.
That's how I'm going to live my life from now on.
If I want you to know something, I'll tell you...trust
If not? then you're on your own holmes.
I'm on the right path.
Everything I've prayed for is coming to fruitation(except for a few minor/major things). So many doors are being opened to me, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I feel good about where I'm heading, I know I'm going to be alright.
Just have to be patient.

Scattered...

Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Scattered.
Hurt?
Pissed?
Just. off.

I'm frustrated and I don't know why. I'm not sinking into a depression(however, there is some self-loathing in there), but I'm just annoyed and flustered. Everything so far is fine, I'm getting back into shape(my sister and cousin both noticed that I'm losing weight), my bills are paid, I'm on track to save more than enough money for school, and so far, minus a few things here and there, I'm stable...or so I thought?

I think it's time for me to take a big ole break from everyone and just let this frustration shit pass.

Well that explains it...

Dear T,

On December 13, you will face a definite hurdle as Mars moves close to Pluto. Fortunately, if you act carefully, you can turn these challenging energies to your favor.

When the powerful forces of Mars and Pluto come together, they can leave you feeling dissatisfied, stuck in a rut, and longing for change and action. If you feel incapable of bringing about such change - a common feeling when Mars and Pluto come together - you may experience an uncommon amount of frustration. The flip side of this is that you'll also have some very strong influences working on your behalf ... if you choose follow their lead.

The combination of Mars, the planet of action, and Pluto, the most intense planet in the galaxy, can give you powerful focus and drive. This could be the perfect opportunity to complete a major task or achieve a long-sought goal - but you'll have to tread carefully because your irritation level will be high. Any interruptions to your work - especially petty ones - could potentially stir your anger. It's important to keep your cool under these circumstances, remembering that what you're feeling and experiencing is an astronomical alignment that will soon pass.

Also keep in mind that this partnership of Mars and Pluto will occur in Capricorn, where Mercury is making its retrograde motion. First, this means that if you focus your drive toward something related to Capricorn - money, business, etc. - you'll achieve more success. Second, it means that you will need to be very careful in your communication, as discussions could become heated! The best way to avert trouble is to simply avoid anyone likely to push your buttons - at least to the extent that you can.

Mars and Pluto will certainly bring out your more primitive emotions, but if you can rise above them and exercise a little patience, you can achieve incredible success!

Me.

right.

now.

so much to tell...

When I get the energy and clarity to post.

*slow blinks*

It was like he read my mind and my body...
Goodness, the man may not be my cup of tea, but GG just blows my mind every single time. We haven't seen each other in weeks...and we definitely made up for it...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Slow down.

It's been some week.

We lost a family friend to cancer, I started my new hours and for the second time in 3 years, I've cried during pole class.

Anne was a close friend of my great-aunt who lost her battle with stomach cancer a week ago Thursday.

My great-aunt had escorted her back to Barbados so that she can live out the rest of her life surrounded by her kids and grandkids.

Her death was felt by me and my family since she lived in our building and my mom would cook dinner for her and juiced vegetables for her.

So the Sunday following her death, I went to class and acted like everything was normal...I was "fine"...and boy was I wrong.

I cried during the warm-up
During the moving meditation
And during my free dance

I just couldn't pretend anymore.

Sarah was right, once you walk through those doors, your armor is gone.

I wasn't done grieving just because I cried when I heard the news, I had to honor my feelings. I miss her and want her here with us, with everyone who loved her.

I'm still grieving.

In class today, my teacher made an observation that I needed to breathe, to exhale, because she felt I was in a rush to get my feelings out all at once during my dance.

She couldn't be more right.

I even noted to her that I felt I was rushing myself and in a way I was. I picked a song that didn't make me feel weepy and I put up a wall between myself, my feelings, and my will NOT to cry again.

I was blocking my emotions.

I'm going to honor my feelings, it doesn't do me any good.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Heh.

Not only did he get me a cute butt plug, but he also got me anal-ease.

So I gave him a prostate orgasm to show my appreciation.

*shrugs*
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile