*sigh*

My father's 33 year old nephew died in sleep last week.
His funeral is Monday night and my father wants me to go.
and honestly?
I'm going to go but I REALLLY don't want to go.
Not because I'm evil or because I feel like being a bitch, but because I have no emotional connection to my father's side of the family. I don't even call my father's brothers my uncles, they're my father's brothers to me.
It's as simple as that.
I know it seems that I'm being incredibly selfish, but how can I be close to people has shown NO interest in me or my sisters?
Ugggg.
I can't complain to my mother about it because she'll be on my father's side.
I can't bitch about it to my sister because *she* already told my dad that she would go.

*sigh*

I'm going to go, not for them, but for my father.

fuck.

Sunday night review

a quick run down about my weekend:

Friday- boys arrived(ages 3 and 1)...no sleep

Saturday- could not sleep, went shopping, took a quick nap, barely ate, and went to a party

Sunday-got no sleep(got in at 3am and was up at 9 with the boys), barely ate, spent time with the boys until their parents came for them this afternoon, had Chinese food for dinner, and took a 4hour nap(which was sorely needed) and now I'm up and I'm not sure what to do with myself at the moment.

oh and I broke down and FINALLY brought myself a new coat and some cute rain boots.

I'm tired as hell, so I'll give a more detailed recap of my weekend tomorrow.

Good weekends are made of this......

I had a AMAZING weekend after a suckasstic week.

Let's count all the good stuff that happened:

1) We're officially going to Italy! After waiting on word from our hotel(they took forever to get back to our travel agent), we received confirmation from the hotel that they have us as confirmed for a room. Good thing I decided to start planning this trip super early.

2) My baby sister celebrated her 17th birthday this weekend! We treated her to a awesome dinner at Sazon in the city and we even had the waiters sing Happy Birthday to her in spanish and english! We had a blast!This morning our dad took us out to brunch for her bday and we ate to our heart's content(pancakes, home fries, and turkey bacon, yummy)

3) I got gold hoops!!!!!! My poor jewelry box has been lacking gold hoops for awhile but after a trip to Forever21, I was able to snag 3 pairs! Thank you Jesus!

4) I brought new nail polishes.

5) I finally cleaned my room and Coco's cage as well so he won't call the cops on me

6) I was able to get my sister xmas gift(skinny jeans, cute top, wrap sweater) for under $40.....yasss!

7) My team is still undefeated!

8) I'm having pancakes for dinner! This is my last week of crappy food. My ass reports back to kick boxing on Monday because I have 5 months to whip this ass into shape! I have two weddings and my trip to Italy coming up and I need to look fab! Let's get em Q!

9) I took my entrance exam for school, I *think* I did terrible, but frankly I don't give a fuck. I did the best I could, so I'm not going to sit here and lose sleep over this shit.

10) My sister is giving me her Diesel puffer coat since she's buying a new jacket, which is awesome for me because I won't have to worry about spending money on a new coat!

11) I had a AMAZING pole class.
Tonight's assignment was Gangsta Dame and your girl was allllllll Godfather chic! Too much fun as we got dressed up and showed out! and i finally did the jacknife, which is one of the hardest trick...ever.

So all in all a great weekend!

In the name of love?

How much would you put up with, in the name of love?

Why would stay if they cheated on you repeatedly?

Would you entertain a boy(I refuse to call him a man) who has shown no interest in your or your unborn child well-being?

Why would you, in the name of being the "bigger person" inquire and even offer assistance to a sick boy, who has not offered to accompany you to any of your doctor's appointments?

Someone who refuses to ask about his child you're carrying or to inquiry about the health of its mother, since he knows she's stressed?

Why would you, as a woman, text sexual innuendos to a boy who has shown you no respect, who you claim loves you(as if), who cheats on you, why would you sit there and tell me you can't help it?

Really?

Why would you waste your time on a man, in the name of "love", who told you that you two would be together if not for the fact you are pregnant with HIS child?

Where did we go wrong as women when this behavior is acceptable, where we lower ourselves just because we "love" someone.

I look at her and I feel bad for her because she has decided, that since she loves him, she must accept his behavior, she must fight to save a relationship that was ridden with infeldility for three years, fight to stay with someone who doesn't give a shit about his kid.

Sad.
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Big day tomorrow....

I'm taking my entrance exam tomorrow morning.

I feel good. I won't let my fear stop me. I know I can do this. I was meant to do this.

Its mine.
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I refuse....

I had a shitty Monday, so shitty that I refuse to talk about it here.

So we're going to talk about my brand of foolishness.

Like the time I washed my black skinny jeans, let them air dry and then decided to wear them with tights.....

I had the hardest time trying to put my pants on!

I damn near broke my fingers.

But did I care? No!

Did I care that I had trouble pulling up in my pants every time I went to the bathroom? No!

I looked cute that day, so it was worth it!

I'm......spechial....
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Revised Xmas list and what not.....

In talking with a friend of mine yesterday who was annoying me with her suggestions of what I should get people from Christmas(which part of I'm being cheap this year don't you fucking get?), I came up with some really good Christmas gifts for the people in my life.

Mom- My rich sister(lol) is buying our mom a new camera and she said that I can get a really good bundle that has a case, charger, and etc for under 30 bucks on Amazon!

Kid sis- I can get this kid a WHOLE outfit from Forever21 for under $40!!!!!!!!!! I'm talking jeans, top, fur vest(I'm soooo getting her this, she will love it!), jewelry and accessories to match!

Kat- I'm getting her a top and earrings from Forever21(this store is my friend)

The boys- same as before!

I'm so happy because I won't have to worry about shelling out big bucks this Xmas and I get to keep my sanity!

Now let's talk sex toys....

*disclaimer*

NSFP(Not Safe For Prudes)

Transitioning from Xmas to XXX.

Can we talk about the time my MOM found my fucking vibrator?????

Now if you don't know, I live with my mother and I'll be honest, its been a good experience. Yes, they(mom and sis) can annoy me, but I'm rarely home so it doesn't bother me as much.

And I'll keep it real, the only time when living at home can put a damper on my life is when I watch porn because that means I need to knock one off and the shower is the place of choice, and trust and believe, they always complain when I take "long showers".

Oh well folks.

So one day after watching some down home, knuckle dragging porn featuring Manuel(I love me some Manuel, hot damn!), I made my way to the shower for some um, extracurricular activities.

So I hid my slim vibe in my towel and placed my towel in my shower caddy since my mother and sis were both home and I didn't want to tip them off.

So on my way to the shower I placed my caddy on the couch because I left something in my room and went back to get it.

Big fucking mistake.

My mother, who was in the living room at the time, decided she was cold, so she TOOK my towel out of my caddy and covered her legs with it.

My vibrator was wrapped in the fucking towel!!!!!

When I stepped out of my room the first thing I noticed was my mother calmly watching TV while covered with my towel...

The next thing I noticed was my vibrator on the fucking couch....

In plain sight for me to see...

*screams*

Oh.My.God

I had a fucking freakout inside my head!

I calmly walked back into the living room and SAT in the vibrator and maneuvered it so I could slide it in my pocket without her noticing it.

It was pathetic, really.

I was seating like a whore in church.

So after sliding my vibe in my sweats pocket...

I headed to the bathroom, laughed my ass off and went about doing what I had to do.

I aint shit.

My mother never brought it up and I damn sure wasn't trying to broach the subject with her(I would die of mortification if she found my goodie bag.....) and after that, we went on living happily ever after.

The end.

:/

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Scrooge.....

With the holidays fast approaching, I feel my inner Scrooge rearing his ugly head.

I don't feel like buying any gifts this year.

:(

Its not that I don't love Christmas, I do, because I get to spend time with my family, its the gift giving bonaza that drives me up the wall.

I just started a new temp position and the assignment ends in Feb/March and between saving money for Italy and school, I don't want to go buckwild and spend money on gifts.

So my Christmas list is going to be small as fuck and if anyone gets pissy, they can kiss my ass.

So my Xmas list as follows:

Mom- gift card

Tat- this heffa bday is Dec 13 and my mom will bitch a fit if I combine her Christmas gift and her bday gift

Bryce- me and my sis are going half and half on Sketchers for his bday(Dec. 11th) and I'm getting him an action figure for Christmas

Chase- a Dora hardbook and a action figure(hopefully he won't bash his brother over the head with it)

Kat( my cousin/my personal hair stylist)- 40 gift card

Dad- big assss question mark(I got daddy issues)

And that's it!

Everyone else can kick rocks!
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Wooooza....

Feeling awesome today!

My application for school is complete
I'm super horny which let's me know I'm alive
My hair is buttah
My clothes are cute
And a bitch got a swagger in her walk.

Feeling gooooood.
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Back to normal.....

This weekend was JUST what I needed after a stressful week.

Saturday- Baby poo was still sick, my uncle's mother in law suffered a slight stroke and I cancelled my day at the museum to travel to the Bronx with my mom and sisters to visit my Chasey poo. It was just what the doctor ordered because we were able to spend time with the boys, which is always a great thing. I even brought them a do-it-yourself gingerbread house. Anyway, Chasey was feeling a whole lot better because he polished off my food and stole my mom's turkey leg.

Exhibit A:

In addition to that, he was handing out the stink eye like it was no one's business.

Exhibit B:

He is soooo like me!

He also has a this thing about plucking the leaves off his mother's plants(they're behind the couch), and the only way you'll know if he's back there is if you see the leaves moving....its so cute, lol.

My little destroyer!

We also spent time with his older brother Bryce who is too friggin smart for his own good. He even told his mother she was being ridiculous...and he's only two!
He is soooooooo smart....like me!

My other uncle also stopped by to check on the boys and it was really fun being surrounded by my two favorite men.

Exhibit C: my mom, uncle and the boys

My sister reading Bryce a book:

Chase eating oranges:

Well, after I had my full of family and food(good friggin food too), I headed to Queens for Girl's Night Out with the girls in my pole class. I don't think I would have made this far without their love and support.

I love hanging out with them outside of class because, not only do we talk about stuff that happens to us daily, but, we also dig deeper and talk about stuff we wouldn't normally discuss with our friends.It's nice to have that kind of outlet. I think it's so much easier to confide in them because we all came to Sfactor for the common goal of being empowered, finding our Erotic Creature, being comfortable in our skin, so it made opening up and letting them in so much easier.

I love them so much!

Sunday- My pops treated us to breakfast at our favorite diner and of course I ate like a pig.

All in all a great weekend!

Incomplete.....

Thanksgiving morning I woke up to the news that my baby cousin, my Chasey poo(age 1) spent the night in the hospital because he had trouble breathing. The night they took him to the hospital he was running a 104 degree fever and had a hard time breathing. The doctors initially thought he was infected with the H1N1 virus, but further testing proved that he suffers from asthma. As you can see from the photo, they had my pumpkin in a little isolation cage.

I hate this.

I spent Thanksgiving morning crying and praying that my little cousin was going to be alright. Chase and his older brother Bryce(age 2) are my mumsie only nieces/nephews so to say they are spoiled is an understatement! My uncle and his wife can always count on us for babysitting duties no matter what. I will cancel my entire weekend just to babysit them. We love those boys like they're our own.

I'm having a hard time on focusing, having a hard time giving a shit about anything at the moment. I talked to several of my friends yesterday and today and I can't focus. I can see and hear what they're saying, but the dots aren't connecting for me and frankly I don't care about anything right now. I just want to know he's going to be better.

That's my heart we're talking about. Everyone else is secondary, period.

I keep wondering if he's breathing properly at the moment, worrying about his breathing when he goes to bed at night or if the medication is working.

I don't think I won't be able to concentrate unless I know that my cousin is going to be ok.
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I WIN!!!!!

Got my damn pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What I'm thankful for....

1. Life
2. An amazing mother who's not bugging my ass for rent. I'm thankful that I am blessed with a crazy but wonderful mumsie who is also my best friend
3. My annoying ass sisters who drive me nuts, but I love those heffas tho.
4. My uncles who are like my second fathers. They keep me grounded and spoil me when needed.
5. My pops even though he can work my very LAST nerve, he spoils me and I can always count on him to curse someone out on my behalf.
6. Sfactor, which has introduced me to some amazing females and have encourage me to be the hottest chick I can be!
7. My renewed faith in God, which is a good thing because a girl was LOST for a moment.
8. My friends who understand my desire to let my freak flag fly without judgment, so thank you heffas!
9. To have a job after a year of not working. I am so happy to be working again and making money the legal way(I kid, I kid)
10. My Coco, who's there for his Momma when life treats her like shit(he better stop sipping out of my cup or we gonna have some problems though)
11. My future love of my life, who is the only man I would birth demons for, love ya boo! You make everyday worth it.
12. My adorable cousins whom I adore even though they can tire a sister out!
13. My "Boss". That bad boy kept me sane many friggin days.
14. Xhamster and Fantasi.cc(bwahhhhhaaaa good times)

Dammit I don't feel like writing anymore, so all in all I'm thankful for everything from my nail polishes, clothes, my weight loss, everythang!

My foolishness will resume on Friday.
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Love me Tuesday's!

Gatdayum I'm back! After a hellish Sunday & Monday, not only did your girl bounced back but she's putting her life in order.

I have the following things lined up:

Finish my FASA worksheet so I can apply for financial aid

Make a courtsey call to the people writing my recommendations

Put more money in my savings for Italy and school.

FINALLY purchase Rick Stephen's Italy 2010(I'm planning my trip now!!!)

Take my ass out! Yup, besides my upcoming Girl's Night out with the ladies in my pole class, I'm going to check out the new Rock & Roll exhibit at Brooklyn Museum.

I'm also going to treat myself to lunch for one at Scopello's in Brooklyn.

Yup its going to be a good week!

And a broad got her check! Now I don't know what to do with myself

:/

I don't want to spend like a mad woman(cause lord knows I don't need anymore clothes)

We shall see.
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Please

Can I have one Monday that doesn't leave me in need of a boxing bag and a kleenex?

I'm tired of it. I want a normal, happy go lucky Monday!

I hate bitchass men, they can keep their penis meat to themselves. I wish they walked around with warning labels.

I hate that I crave intimacy, its a fucking weakness that must be dealt with. It makes me weak and unfocused.

I hate putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.

I want to be cold inside, because anything is better than this.

Let me vent, I will be better tomorrow.
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I don't get people with penises....

I mean men, goodness dude its a favorite list for crying out loud, I haven't blocked you!!!!!!

Cripes, at this rate I'm fast becoming a lesbian....

Or hiring a male escort, just shuddup and look pretty.

Men.

Ugg.
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Belch....

And you know what? I can't even blame my body, it was my own stupid ass fault. This morning I woke up with a slight headache that only got worse as the day progressed even though I took two migraine pills before class.

Of course I decide NOT to eat anything before I left my house, and of course after realizing I was really hungry and my pole class was starting in 30 mins, I decide to eat a bag of chips, a few gulps of chocolate milk, two chocolate chip cookies, and some candy.

So you can only guess what happened once class started.

Migraine+binge eating+ pole class= dumb ass move.

Yup, I got sick. So sick that I had to leave class and spend 15 minutes praying to the porcelain gods. My poor teacher thought I had left the class, all the girls were worried about me(they're the best), and I was in a world of hurt.

Shoot I'm STILL queasy.

I should have never eaten that crap. Since I didn't eat anything I went on a binge since I was getting hungry and paid for it in spades. I have to eat something before I leave my house so I won't be force to eat something before class.

I should know better by now.
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Speed dating recap numero dos....

Well last night was a night to remember.

When I first got there, I started chatting with some of the ladies that were already there.

I met a photographer while waiting for our dates and we bonded over our EXTREME dislike of the hippies that populate Williamsburg(I hate that neighborhood, its the place for the soy milk, granola eating, plaid shirt wearing, skinny jeans wearing, emo punks, gross). We also pondered when were men going to start wearing big boy pants, it was refreshing to meet someone who feels the same way I do.

Now onto the dates: I'm going to give a rundown on the ones I remember.

There was the bald white guy who I thought was gay. We had a pretty cool conversation, but I gave him a hell no rating.

Then it was the guy from India that I had a pretty cool conversation with. Also gave him a hell no rating, well not only he was SHORT but there was no sparks.

Next up is the guy from New York who moved to Savannah, GA. We bonded over how much slower everything is in the South. We also chatted about Europe, my fear of heights, among other things. Now his "fuck me eyes" could have gotten it, but he was short and with a oldies but goodies haircut. Hopefully he'll find a short woman in GA to make him happy.

Then there was the Asian guy who looked like he belonged in the mob. We chatted about sports and such, but he wouldn't look me in the eyes.
Weirdness.

Then there was this midget Asian fucker who everyone thought was high or on something. He *said* he was a doctor, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was pocketing prescription pills. This fool goes on to tell me that I would be perfect for his friend, because well, we're both black.

Uh what?

I couldn't wait for that date to be over. I wanted to slap him in the eyes.

Then there was this poor man who looks like he lives with his momma who loves to read(maybe I should have given him Q's email address, *snickers*)

Then there was the flamboyant black guy I swore was gay or bi, because he looked like he shits glitter. Nonetheless, we had a really good conversation about our school systems.

Next up was the ONLY guy I would consider going out on date with. Don't ask me what we talked about because I was too busy drooling over his salt and pepper hair and goatee, his height, his mature sexiness, his lips, and how big his hands were. Only few things I remembered was ex-millitary, counselor, and blues.

I'm shallow what can I say?

The last man was the one I wanted to punch in the face. Lord how I was able to keep a straight face without rolling my eyes will forever be a mystery. Now only did this Pee Wee Herman lookalike LEERED at me the entire night, but he works at my OLD COMPANY. You know I had to lie my ass off about my office location(my old company has about 900 agents). I just felt uncomfortable with him, I thought he wanted to have sexy times with my hat...because he kept looking at it alllllll fucking night.

So there you have it, all my dates.

I had fun, not sure if I would do it again but with me you can never say never.
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I did it.....

For years I believed I was un-dateable, that I didn't know how to hold a conversation with a guy, that I didn't know how to turn on the charm...that there must be something wrong with me because I was still single.

Well I can put that stupid belief to rest.

There is absolutely *nothing* wrong with me, because tonight I learned I can be charming, witty, and flirtatious. I am so proud of myself!

I had an awesome time tonight!
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*sigh*

White people find the dumbest shit funny.

Why?
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Tonight's the night.....

Well my speed dating is tonight, and I won't lie, I'm nervous as fuck, but I can't, won't back out.

How am I suppose to break out of my dating slump if I don't put myself out there. It's nerve-wrecking as hell, but what the heck, you'll never know if you don't try.

I found some fun questions to ask because heavens know I have no idea about these sorts of things and I picked out a flirty, but casual outfit so I won't feel so over dressed.

I'm pretty excited about tonight, so we shall see what happens.
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Dating updates...

I ain't shit

And.....I don't care.

I took a vow of shallowness a few yrs ago and have never looked back.

As I delve deeper into the blackhole that is internet dating, my aintshitness has reared her ugly head.

Prime example:

I received a email from a white porky(husky) fella who, as a way of introduction, asked ME when was I going to invite him to Brooklyn(from his photos he hangs out with a lot of black dudes so that explains that stupid ass question).

Wigger please.

So of course I rolled my damn eyes, because boo...why the fuck do moi have to invite your ass to Brooklyn?

How about trying to get to know me FIRST dummy.

Boy please.

But then I LOOKED at his photos...

6'3......
HUSKY....
TATTOOS....
KINDA CUTE........

I need a wet nap.....STAT.

And that's where my ainshitness decides to take over, because under normal circumstances I would have blocked his stupid self for the wack ass emails, but I won't because have I mentioned: He's 6'3(I am HEIGHT deprived in NY), HUSKY, with TATS.

So I will play along with porky and see if this goes anywhere....

Probably won't considering I was a smart ass to him...

Men and their fragile egos....


This is fun!!!!!!!!!

Bwahhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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It's time...

I'm a ball of nerves right now.

Applications are now available for the Radiologic Technologist program I'm applying to.

I'm trying not to be nervous, doubtful, or fearful.

So I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing.

I'm going to follow my faith and put it in God's hand.

He got me this far, he can take me all the way...

Goodnight.
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Hate....

My insides feel like a band of Mexican midgets are playing soccer in my stomach.

I'm struggling not to curl up in a ball and cry.

I hate cramps, I wish someone would tell me that getting my monthly is beautiful because I can make baebays...

Fuck. you.

I want to rip my insides out....
And bash Bubba lips in his head(more on him later)

At least I look cute today though.
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Dating updates....

Since I've decided to venture into the underbelly of internet dating the amount of dingbats that flood my inbox is astounding.

Take this fool on POF who's hot, tall, tattooed, tall, and hot. Now this dingbat emails me this standard email asking for my number.

Slow ya roll partner and calm down.

I sent a reply stating that I'm NOT giving up the digits, BUT he can email me.

No response.

Ok cool, no biggie

Until last night when said FOOL sends me the EXACT email he sent before(now take into account that he first contacted me months ago).

I KNEW the first time I read his email it sounded like a copy and paste situation, but to send that shit twice?

*le sigh* how can someone so hawt be so dumb?

The dumbass probably got confused since I changed my photos recently and maybe he didn't realize he was sending a email to someone he contacted already.

But whatever, I block his hawt ass because, well, that was just stupid.

And stupid is a disease that I can't afford to catch.

Bye!
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So what now?

Fun facts:

1. I have a identical twin. Yes we look alike, and yes she is as evil as me.

2. I love porn.

3. I REALLY love my *happy, fun bag*

4. I always wanted to bang a fireman..while wearing his uniform

5. I have a fetish for Italian men

6. I suffered from depression and still do to this day.

7. I LOVE nail polish(I have about 110 so far)

8. I really want some under the bed restraints.

9. Thank goodness for internet porn.(If you haven't notice...I love porn and toys)

10. I HAVE to work out. If I don't I gain weight quickly and we can't have that!

11. My mom is the coolest chick on earth.

12. I have a rabbit(not the sex toy but a real, live, eating, shitty rabbit)

13. Yes he's sexually confused because he has a feminine name

14. I fart every morning, sorry but I eat A LOT of fiber. My poor future husband.

15. I don't want kids unless my husband can guarantee that I will get as much sex as I please when I pop those demons out.

16. I lived in Italy while in college and didn't make out with a hot Italian guy(trust that will change by June)

17. I hate stupid people

18. I can't stand other people kids

19. I pole dance for the joy of it

20. I don't feel like writing anymore, so until next time!
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Blame Q

That is all