Blogging hiatus...

I don't feel like sharing.
Some things are better kept to yourself.
This month has been a emotionally, spiritually, mentally challegning time.
I haven't even bothered to go into detail with %75 of what REALLY happened. The most people got was %25 of the pie.
I don't feel like involving everyone.
I don't feel like whining or bitching about my problems to anyone, I don't have the energy for that shit anymore.
2011 is going to be different.
My focus is going to be different. I'm promising myself to write in my journal at least once a day.
I want MY dreams to happen.
That's how I'm going to live my life from now on.
If I want you to know something, I'll tell you...trust
If not? then you're on your own holmes.
I'm on the right path.
Everything I've prayed for is coming to fruitation(except for a few minor/major things). So many doors are being opened to me, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I feel good about where I'm heading, I know I'm going to be alright.
Just have to be patient.

Scattered...

Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Scattered.
Hurt?
Pissed?
Just. off.

I'm frustrated and I don't know why. I'm not sinking into a depression(however, there is some self-loathing in there), but I'm just annoyed and flustered. Everything so far is fine, I'm getting back into shape(my sister and cousin both noticed that I'm losing weight), my bills are paid, I'm on track to save more than enough money for school, and so far, minus a few things here and there, I'm stable...or so I thought?

I think it's time for me to take a big ole break from everyone and just let this frustration shit pass.

Well that explains it...

Dear T,

On December 13, you will face a definite hurdle as Mars moves close to Pluto. Fortunately, if you act carefully, you can turn these challenging energies to your favor.

When the powerful forces of Mars and Pluto come together, they can leave you feeling dissatisfied, stuck in a rut, and longing for change and action. If you feel incapable of bringing about such change - a common feeling when Mars and Pluto come together - you may experience an uncommon amount of frustration. The flip side of this is that you'll also have some very strong influences working on your behalf ... if you choose follow their lead.

The combination of Mars, the planet of action, and Pluto, the most intense planet in the galaxy, can give you powerful focus and drive. This could be the perfect opportunity to complete a major task or achieve a long-sought goal - but you'll have to tread carefully because your irritation level will be high. Any interruptions to your work - especially petty ones - could potentially stir your anger. It's important to keep your cool under these circumstances, remembering that what you're feeling and experiencing is an astronomical alignment that will soon pass.

Also keep in mind that this partnership of Mars and Pluto will occur in Capricorn, where Mercury is making its retrograde motion. First, this means that if you focus your drive toward something related to Capricorn - money, business, etc. - you'll achieve more success. Second, it means that you will need to be very careful in your communication, as discussions could become heated! The best way to avert trouble is to simply avoid anyone likely to push your buttons - at least to the extent that you can.

Mars and Pluto will certainly bring out your more primitive emotions, but if you can rise above them and exercise a little patience, you can achieve incredible success!

Me.

right.

now.

so much to tell...

When I get the energy and clarity to post.

*slow blinks*

It was like he read my mind and my body...
Goodness, the man may not be my cup of tea, but GG just blows my mind every single time. We haven't seen each other in weeks...and we definitely made up for it...
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Slow down.

It's been some week.

We lost a family friend to cancer, I started my new hours and for the second time in 3 years, I've cried during pole class.

Anne was a close friend of my great-aunt who lost her battle with stomach cancer a week ago Thursday.

My great-aunt had escorted her back to Barbados so that she can live out the rest of her life surrounded by her kids and grandkids.

Her death was felt by me and my family since she lived in our building and my mom would cook dinner for her and juiced vegetables for her.

So the Sunday following her death, I went to class and acted like everything was normal...I was "fine"...and boy was I wrong.

I cried during the warm-up
During the moving meditation
And during my free dance

I just couldn't pretend anymore.

Sarah was right, once you walk through those doors, your armor is gone.

I wasn't done grieving just because I cried when I heard the news, I had to honor my feelings. I miss her and want her here with us, with everyone who loved her.

I'm still grieving.

In class today, my teacher made an observation that I needed to breathe, to exhale, because she felt I was in a rush to get my feelings out all at once during my dance.

She couldn't be more right.

I even noted to her that I felt I was rushing myself and in a way I was. I picked a song that didn't make me feel weepy and I put up a wall between myself, my feelings, and my will NOT to cry again.

I was blocking my emotions.

I'm going to honor my feelings, it doesn't do me any good.
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Heh.

Not only did he get me a cute butt plug, but he also got me anal-ease.

So I gave him a prostate orgasm to show my appreciation.

*shrugs*
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Um..damn.

Those smartballs have definitely made showertime MUCH more enjoyable....holy hell....
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This one...

He's slowly climbing up my happy side.

Here's the thing with him, he does what he's suppose to(INCREDIBLE, mind bending, soul weeping, sore as fuck sex, communication...at times, when his phone or my attitude isn't shitty), but because the only time we talk is when we want to see each other naked, we don't know shit about our daily lives.

Fine
Cool
I'm happy with that.

It becomes an issue when my impatience takes over when he doesn't reply in a timely manner, like this week. I sent a filthy text requesting his "services" this weekend, but I didn't hear him 4hrs later.

And yes, my past experience with Tat left me wondering if this was "it/over/the end."

Ahhhhhhhhhhh I don't want to go back to AFF....fuck!

But it wasn't even the case, he was in the middle of an audition, and he apologized for not responding sooner.

*deep sigh*

I need to BE patient with him, and stop freaking out.

Especially considering, our last time, he met me at the door butt ass naked and gave me one HELL of a hello kiss before taking the "activities" to his desk....good gawd....

So anyway, our date this weekend was cancelled because he was asked to do a reading. Now I don't mind, because frankly, I'm tired as fuck and I need the rest.

So him canceling on me was kinda of expected...the life of fucking an actor.....

What I DIDN'T expect was this from him: " I went out and got something for you. ;)"

Or this: "Do you have some time during the week? Or would Friday be the earliest we could start your "training"."

Training? A gift?

Da fuck? I betcha its a butt plug....or restraints, but we've played/used and abused my bondage tape, a butt plug???....and the ass won't give me a fricking clue....but "training" for WHAT?...he won't say shit....

The suspense!!!!!

Vision...

I'm going to start a vision board.

And the very thought overwhelms me.

In a good way.

:)
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Smart Ball Challenge!

While browsing my favorite sex website, I came across a review for Fun Factory Smart balls. I've used Smart balls in the past, but stopped using them because I got lazy, and frankly at the time I wasn't fucking anyone and didn't see the point.

But after reading the reviews, I've decided to give it another go. So I'm going to try to wear my smartballs everyday for a month and see if I(or GG) can feel the difference.

Wish me luck!
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I'm ok...

It's been emotionally rough for me these past few months. I've gone through so many highs and lows, my head is spinning. I'm trying to pick myself up and move on. I still struggle with some things(IE making the first move while Internet dating and being scared of rejection), but I'm going to forge ahead, it's all I can do.

My meltdown, so to speak, was largely due to my negative feelings of self-worth and how I believe that I could never "measure up" to perfection(aka my cousin).

This whole "thing" with EB and GG really shed a light on my low self-esteem/self-worth issues. I always believed that I wasn't "good enough", wasn't "pretty/sexy enough", and that led to a lot of self-loathing that became the norm for me.

I've taken the step to hash this out in therapy because I want to be rid of my demons, of the the things that hold me back. I can never truly be whole, but I want to be healed at least.

In regards to EB, he was laid off from his job this past week so I probably won't see him again, which I think is a good thing. I believed having him around constantly reminded me that I wasn't the one he wanted, which in turn fed into my self- loathing. Today, I learned some news about EB and I was beginning to get mopey and cranky about the whole situation and Q guessed that I was self-sabotaging myself because I was in a happy mood today, so I stopped myself. She's right though, he isn't my problem so why let him, someone who is bringing NOTHING to my life, ruin my great day?

So I didn't, and I'm having a pretty good day.

In regards to my "situation" with GG.....I had some fears where he's concern..but... we cleared the air so to speak and now we're good.

So..I'm finding my way to happiness.

?

I was/am in such a bad mood/place yesterday and it didn't go unoticed by my sister.

She felt my mood from the moment I walked in the door, I had to stop myself from crying so many times it was nuts. Knowing that something was off, she asked me about EB and I told her I didn't want to talk about it.

I didn't have the emotional energy to go there, how do I put in words about how I'm feeling? how do I make her understand the hell I'm going through? I can very well tell her, but how do I stop the snowball that'll occur?

Thank goodness I'm in therapy...for real.
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Sinking...

I'm sinking deeper into a depression...

And I don't want to stop myself.
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I feel...

I don't feel like anything today.
I feel like a worthless, piece of shit.
I'm confused, angry, disgusted, and sick of myself
Apparently, I'm a repellent. Repulsive. Gross

Who would want to deal with me? I'm mean, selfish, scared, and closed off
I can't be sexy...don't know how
Damn sure ain't pretty. Beautiful. Pfft
I'm nothing.

I don't feel like a woman.
I'm suppose to be this vibrant, beautiful, sexual creature.

and I can't even get that shit right apparently.

My dating life has been non-existent...and that's because...there is something wrong with me.

I can fool myself into thinking that I'm picky or that I have high standards, but I know deep down...

There has to be something wrong with me that no one wants to take a chance with me.

None...at all.

I just want someone to say I'm beautiful, I'm gorgeous, just something. I don't even get that.
Someone to listen to me...just shut up and listen.
You can hear me, but are you listening to me?

But I get nothing.

Because at the end of the day, I am nothing.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

My self-esteem and self-worth is shot to hell...

There's lint in my hair!!!!!

Sex with GG? Incredible doesn't even come close. Cripes that's one way to spend Labor Day.

Getting lint in my fucking HAIR?

And not just a little bit, my fucking hair looks blue with all the fucking lint in it.

He changed his fucking sheets.

THAT pissed me off.

So I'm going to be nice and buy him sheets because I refuse to put up with fucking lint in my hair.

Once I get over my pissivity at having to re-wash my hair(even though its not due for a wash until Wednesday), I'll dish on the most mind-blowing sex ever.

This fool decided mid-blow job that he was going to: use his yoga contraption, my bondage tape, a blindfold, and a pillow to pretty much arrange a meeting with White Jesus because I've never had anyone take me over the edge of sanity like that before.

I was in tears.

Yep.

Incredible.
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.

Anxiety attacks are not fun.
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you know.

It's like deja vu all over again.
That feeling in my gut that I can't ignore.
hmm.

Um.ok.

The Universe can be funny in many ways.

Last night, my soul was restless, my thoughts jumbled, so I prayed for clarity, patience, and peace within myself.

and I felt better.

I also asked the Universe to send me a sign that my situation with *him* is worth it, to get the answers I seek.

and boy did the Universe responded.

because when I saw *him* today...I realized...

He.shaved.his.beard.

*glass shatters*

This is a big deal...a.very.big.deal.

His beard added to the allure of him, made him extremely sexy to me.

I can't believe he would shave it.

Now?

I'm just not feeling it...or him without it.

Does that make me extremely shallow? Maybe.

But hey, maybe this was the answer I seeked.

We shall see

?

I don't want to give in

but what to do when the side that wants you to be alone

wont stop yelling, "YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE"

Heh.

Don't think for one second GG is out of the picture...because after the incredible sex we just had?

Yeah.......

I may be in "like" of someone, but that doesn't mean I've lost my damn mind.

Lawd hammercy...that man is incredible.

Cripes.
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Perfection...

Last night, in a word, was perfect.

It was everything a first date should be, we talked, we laughed and at the end of the night, we kissed.

It was perfect.

...

I did it.

I FINALLY had enough of us tip-toeing around each other when it was clear as day that we were interested in each other but too afraid to make the first step.

So I decided that I was going to make the first step.

I asked him out.

and he said yes.

We shall see....

and no...this has nothing to do with GG.

Joke.

him(while reading the numerology chart I did for him): "so my chart says that in this particular cycle, whether the relationship is personal, business or otherwise, it's an excellent time to get involved with some new, authoritative, or perhaps younger than yourself."
me: ok(distracted by my brand new nail polish /snark)
him: "so how old are you again? I forgot your age." (in my head: liar!)
me: 28
him: ok.

He's 34.

*rubs hands over face*

I know what needs to be done....just give me the courage to do so.

Confusion of the best kind....

Have you ever looked at someone and just....know?
No questions, no doubts, no fears, you just know?

I don't think I've ever felt this safe around anyone before.

That's all I can say right now.

Finding your voice...

When you think no one is listening....

I love my S girls, they're a group of amazing women who have made such an impact on my life. Their power, energy, and just pure awesomeness always astound me. Whenever we get together we always delve deeper into our history, our emotions, what we're feeling, things we're going through, things that have shaped us into the women we are today. We are each other support system and its like nothing I've ever experience.

Tonight we talked about finding our voice and certain life experiences that stilled our voice and it felt so good to finally be able to verbalize the shit I was going through with my parents. I was finally able to speak my frustration, my hurt, my anger, my annoyance without judgment, without being told that I'm over-reacting, without having my feelings dismissed.

We all come from different races(I'm the only black girl in our class), different class in life but we've at some point, walked the same path and we're able to share our feelings and experiences and find a common ground with each other. We shared a lot tonight, our hurts, our joys, we talked about the people we loved who helped silenced our voices and how we are slowly learning to find our voice when everyone wants us to be quiet and play along.

I didn't realized how much I love being on this journey with them.

They make my world a little brighter.
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I will do this.

I will tell how I feel, how your actions shaped who I am today.

How I believe that love can't be trusted, how it hurts, how it makes you stupid.

I'm going to tell him, I will never forget when he left me in the hospital to go on a family trip, or when he threatened my sister that if "they" weren't allowed to come along for the ride, he wouldn't drive her back to school.

How he never spent not ONE New Year's with us.

How every gift we've ever given him, stays in the trunk of his car.

He can't sit there and expect me to welcome them with open arms..now, how's that fair to me? How? Now you don't want to treat us like dirty little secrets? Now you want all your kids to be together? I don't want that now. My god, I'm trying to undo all the fucking damage you did to me, but noooo, its good for you now, damn what I'm feeling, right Dad?

What about my healing? What about my feelings? What about my recovery?

I'm not ready.

I don't think I'll ever be ready.

I hope to God you understand.

Fuck you, you BETTER understand.
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I don't know which way is up...

How I'm able to walk, much less have energy after a 2hour pole class Sunday afternoon and a unbelievable date with GG that very evening.

I can't describe it really. How do I describe the shit he does to me? I don't even know anymore. This is something beyond my understanding.

When I first got to his place, I didn't greet him with a kiss(I'm always twitchy about whether to go for it or follow his lead), but anyway, he decided that once we got into the elevator, he went for it.

And it left him shivering.

Heh.

So we finally made it to his place, where he:

* Abused the back of my neck(I swear no one can tease me into stupidity like he does, he just ugggg it feels beyond amazing).
*Spanking(yeah for someone who doesn't like doing it, he's done it a lot...ha!)
*At some point, we just kissed, no sex, just ....kiss. I'll admit it was nice because it was just us exploring each other's lips.
*He spent forever, no seriously like a good forever using his fingers on me, I swore at one point I was going to pass out....it was by far the most incredible thing ever. He wouldn't stop, hell I tried to stop him many times, but he just wouldn't stop plowing me with orgasms.

Ugggggg he has me sprung...HARD,

I've noticed with GG, that he's not really into shit talking during sex, so imagine my surprise and UTTER delight when he said in the middle of a severe konging

"this is my pussy. Do your hear me? My pussy."

*errrrrrr*

Well...alrighty then!

It's just feel like a special treat when he embraces his inner beast. I swear he's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, one moment he's all about soft kisses and caresses and the next, he's four fingers deep in me, demanding that I give him two more orgasms, or he's examining Gloria(my noot noot), discovering all the ways he can use his fingers to make me cum.

Ugggg I want more.

Soon.
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Anxiety, sans ropas, and school...Part 1

Living with anxiety/depression hasn't been a walk in the park.

It's always so easy to say be "happy", "perk up", "don't get down", but you can't until you live it, until you have no motivation to do anything. You want so desperately to be happy, you hate worrying all the time, but you can't help it, you fall prey to your emotions.

It's like you don't want to fight anymore.

My dream of becoming a Rad Tech is coming true, I'm not going to lie and say its been a easy road, but after I passed the entrance exam the second time, it's been a breeze....

Until I needed a $4,000 loan to cover the costs.

I've cried about, I've worried about it, and I still haven't wrapped my mind around it.

Every co-signer I've used has been denied and I was forced to ask my grandfather for the money.

I didn't want to do it, but I had no choice.

You have to understand my hesitation, my grandparents are the most selfish people I know and they're all about material things.

Helping their grandkids with ANYTHING is not exactly on top of their to do list.

So I asked him anyway, and now I'm in limbo because he hasn't given me an answer if he's going to give me the money.


Which has made my anxiety worse.

But I'm going to figure it out, I've come this far, I have to see this thru.
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Itay, GG and Me...

Hola!

My life has been a whirlwind of activity since May. My little sister graduated from High School, my cousin got married and we took a trip to Italy soon afterwards.

*wipes brow*

Now that my life is slowly getting back to normal, I can finally talk about the new man who is blowing my mind.

Last time we left off, me and Tat were done and I was back on the market...

After a couple of failed dates...enters GG, at 6'7 250 pounds of awesomeness!

Now I'm going to be real....body wise? face wise? I'm NOT attracted to him.

But when it comes down to getting the job done?

He literally takes my breath away. I don't know what kind of magic juice he's drinking, but he makes me delirious with pleasure, he uses his hands(OMG he literally makes me shiver just by lightly scratching my skin), his tongue, his teeth and his words to his advantage.

Yesterday we saw each other after being on a 2 week hiatus(my trip and mother nature)and my gawd.....

The man was on me like white on rice as soon as I entered his room, he had me on his new desk, on his new dresser...it was unreal.

I've never experience sex like this, and I thought Tat was the cat's meow. With GG he's more in tuned to my body, more about giving me pleasure, with Tat it was about his ass fetish and his needs. GG is more unassuming so when he get in contact with his inner dom? FIREWORKS.

Yesterday I did something I've always wanted to do but never found the right person to do it with.

I played with *my* inner dom....and I LOVED it!

It happened during girl on top, I don't know what came over me, but I pinned his arms down and told him not to fucking move, then I proceeded to:

make him beg.... a LOT

scream my name...LOUDLY

I don't know what happen, but I was in a zone, I wasn't afraid to assert my power over him, and he was more than happy to submit to my commands.

Until...he slipped out.

and that's when the tables turned.

With a crazy gleam in his eye, he uttered menacingly: " it's too late for you, it's my turn now"

oh shit.

Next thing I know, I was flipped onto my back and power drilled into stupidity.

Gawd, this man.

Uggg.

Now, even though I'm having a lot of fun with GG, I refuse to make the same mistake twice, so I'm going to keep my options open.

So I foresee a meet and greet with BK boy...details to come soon.

Fucking blogger.

I had a WHOLE post about GG and Italy and bitch ass BLOGGER deleted my shit.

fucker

I'm backkkkkk!

Mucho details to come soon!

i...cant

words can not describe the AMAZING sex I had.

Just mind blowing....

and no...it wasnt with tat.

I think I'm done....

I'm done with Tat, I don't think I have the patience to fucking deal with this. Last week, I didn't hear from him because I remember he mentioned that he was planning a big May Day demonstration on Immigration Reform, which was why I wasn't freaking out.

So he sent a text on Friday explaining to me that he was super busy and that he was going to call me on Sunday to chat.

Great.

However, Sunday came and went without a phone call. Now was I pissed? not really, because this is the second incident where he said he was going to call and he didn't. This latest incident has left me feeling put out because frankly I'm horny as hell and I'm not even sure if I should fucking bother sending a text since there is a fucking chance that it'll go unanswered.

I can't get rid of this sneaky suspicion that somehow he's either a) met someone else b) or he's not interested in hooking up anymore. Now with "A", its well within his rights to do as he please, but one thing I REFUSE to deal with, is being put on the fucking sidelines while you play around. I've dealt with that with BOTH Fucky and Nerdy, and I refused to put up with that shit again. So yes, the gloves are coming off because I *do* plan on asking him if he's having a change of heart about our situation because a girl is feeling neglected and wondering when the fuck am I suppose to have sex again. I sent him a funny video, so who the fuck knows when he's going to respond....what the fuck ever dude.

So yeah, he's got until fucking Friday then....he's gone.

Sorry!

My birthday in one word.

AWESOME!

I had a wonderful lunch with my girls, then we went to a street fair where I devoured chocolate-dipped Oreos and....

DEEP FRIED OREOS!!!!!!

Oh man, it was beyond awesome!

More details with photos to come soon!
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Happy Birthday...TO ME!

My Birthday wishes....

1.) My acceptance letter for school....CHECK

2.) A new job....CHECK

3.) A new handbag...CHECK

4.) Zoya's Sparkle collection....CHECK

5.) Clarisonic Mia....*crosses fingers*

6.) Philosophy Purity Made Simple....CHECK

7.) Post B-day booty from Tat....yes!

An explanation....

After going nearly two weeks without sex from Tat, I decided that I needed to get a back-up penis in case Tat was too busy. So, this past Tuesday I went on a date with Stoner Tom in hopes that he would be a worthy back-up. Now I can admit that I was extremely horny that day because it was almost a week since the last time I saw Tat and I had no idea when I was going to see him again. So when I finally met Stoner Tom, I was immediately attracted to him, he was TALL, BROAD, and had MUSCLES, everything I like in a man.

We ended up going for drinks and walking around Williamsburg, where we ended up at his place. I was beyond horny at that point and needed him to put me out of my misery, and...he didn't.

It was terrible.

From start to finish, it was horrid.

During sex, I thought about Tat, how badly I wanted him, and how I wished it was him instead.

It was so bad that I faked orgasms just so he would stop, and of course he knew I was faking and called me on it. I ended up lying through my teeth but he didn't believe me. He wasn't a bad date, but he was so self- depreciating it was annoying. I had to constantly reassure him about his dick size(he would make jokes about how small his dick was), how pale he was, and how no one wanted to be in a relationship with him.

I needed an anti-depressant by the end of the night.

That whole experience made me appreciate Tat even more. For the longest time I was looking for ways to cut him off for stupid reasons, but after Stoner Tom, it made me appreciate his skills and what he does to me in the bedroom.

When I was going down on Stoner Tom, he was quiet, so quiet and it made me tense because I didn't know if he was enjoying it or not. On Wednesday night, when I was going down on Tat, the man could barely keep his mouth shut, I mean he was LOUD, he would groan, throw his head back and moan while telling me how amazing I was, and that?

made *me* feel good and made me even hotter.

So am I going to be looking for other back-ups? Yes.

I am going to be looking for them now? No.

I rather enjoy Tat while he's here and try to find someone else once he moves back to Chicago.

I'm going to ride that pony until the wheels fall off!

Ramblings....

After my horrible date with Stoner Tom, I was in need of a "quick fix."

Enter Tat.

And boy did he ever rectify my, um "situation"

I can't get over how bone chilling amazing it was. My mouth and ass was sore by the time we were done, goodness!
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UGGGG

Bad sex was had....

and no it wasn't with Tat....

this guy was just....horrid.

I need a tat fix....SOOON.

...

Noise....white noise, loud noise.

Just noise.

So I turned the noise off today.

And I really needed that.

I put my phone on silent, buried it in the bottom of bag and went on with my day. I needed to be unreachable today and it felt great!

I was able to focus on me, my needs, and my wants.

And I just wanted the noise to stop.

So I made it stop.
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Hot damn we did!

I don't know why I keep short-changing tat boy, because every time I'm ready to throw in the towel, he always manages to shock the hell out of me.

So after being celibate for damn near two weeks, we finally made plans to see each other on Wednesday. When I got to our meeting spot Wednesday night, I called him to let him know I was there and he told me to come by his job while he closed the office.

While walking to his job, I thought to myself if it was possible for us to have office sex, but quickly shot the idea down thinking that he wouldn't want to take that chance.

Once I got to his job, we chatted for a bit and I gushed over his new haircut(HOT) and his scruff(rrawwrrrr). So while he was closing up and I was checking out his office, he motioned to me to follow him.

I did and we ended up in his office space, where we chatted for a bit. Then he leaned in and said he always wanted to makeout in his office and BAM....he kissed me.

Ok...

Then my shirt came up....

Um ok.....

Then my shirt came off....

O....k.....

Then he dropped to his knees and took my pants and underware off....

Holy shit.....OK!!!!!!

And then he proceeded to fuck me all over his office....on his desk......on the floor....

It was INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!

So after we got that out of our systems, we headed to his place where we pretty much went at it like horny teenagers...

*sigh* it was amazing....

The next day, I asked him if that was something he planned and he said that he thought about when I was walking to his office...

Mind fucking meld!

We laughed over the fact that we're both perverted as hell...

Another happy ending!

Running into a problem....

When me and tat started messing around, save for times Aunt Flo was present, we pretty much had sex every week.

Sounds ideal, right?

Then why the fuck am I going on week TWO with no sex?

See last week, I kinda understood, he was busy at work and he was going out of town that weekend.

But for the love of cock, I need him to be more proactive. I am the most understanding girl...up to a point.

And I've gone PAST my point.

I sent a dirty pic that went UNANSWERED and I'm left fucking wondering how often does he need sex? Does he like fucking me? Does he not want me anymore?

Words are pretty, but if you don't provide the action to back up the words, then what else is left for me to say?

I don't mind the mindless texting, what I *do* mind is turning into a born again virgin while I'm suppose to be consistently getting some ass from my supposed fuck buddy.

So yes, I'm looking to replace him or get a backup.

I don't give a shit.
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Wow.

It's offical....

I'm going back to school!

The search for grants starts now!
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Crunch time...

Me and tat are back on track...

Text sex/flirting with him is so much fun....

I've started seeing a therapist for my depression....

I haven't had sex in two weeks....I'm a born again virgin...

I'm thinking about doing acupuncture for my neck and back pain....

But cripes $45 bucks? on my credit card? ack!

Till next time!

*sigh*

I know I'm being impatient...

But, I hate men....

Tired.

I'm tired.
I'm beyond tired and it's his fault.

I wish I could make this post about him or about how he .....

But I can't.

On Thursday I have the biggest interview of my life.

Its my entrance interview for school, I've come so far to get to this point. From the devastation of the rejection letter after failing the exam the first time, to the joy of hearing I could re-take the exam again, to the extreme nervousness at having to take the exam over, to the happiness at passing the exam on my second try and now....

To the absolute dread at having to interview to get into the program.

I'm beyond nervous, beyond scared, I want to work on my questions but I'm seriously having a mental blockage, the answers aren't there. Why do I want to be a Rad Tech? Why do I want this so much? Every time I try to find the answer, my brain blocks the answer.

I'm afraid to answer the question, I'm afraid of not having the right answer. I'm afraid of having my hopes and dreams dashed, I'm afraid of the rejection letter.

Where do I go from here? From there? I asked the Universe if this was meant to be and they've led me to this point.

I don't trust it, no, I don't trust *myself*. My doubts and fears are weighing my down. If I can't answer why I want to be a Rad Tech, why should they take a chance on me? Why should anyone?
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Damn....I spoke to soon.

That
Damn
Tat Boy

*shivers*

Top notch my friend, top notch.

*sigh* at this point, I'm not looking to add anyone else to the team if he's going to keep giving me a repeat of....that.

I don't want to go into details, but all I know what that I was knocked out in the first round and close to tears in the second round.

So much so, the very idea of a third round made my eyes watered.

That fuggin good.

Hmmmm...

Maybe I spoke too soon about this one.

Whatever, until Sunday.

Bet.
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More. Snow.

Snow covered bikes...



Snow up to my knees...



Yup, that's our street...the snow is almost as high as the cars. Don't be fooled, the snow is THAT high right now.

I'm....damn him

Last night I had another date with tat boy that went EXTREMELY well.

Really fucking well...

and yes, I woke this morning in freakout mode and thankfully Q was able to talk my ass down.

I can't/won't get into the juicy details because frankly, I'm really trying to calm my hormones where this one is concern and since it's looking like I can't get a repeat this week, I'm really trying to behave.

BUT

I will say....that last night left my soul in shambles.

and I had to cover my face with a pillow to stop from screaming out loud...

at some point my eyes rolled into the back of my head....

I wanted to scream "I LOVE your cock, my fracking Jose on a Pipe, please don't ever take it away from me!!!!!!!!!"

Yeah, I can't talk about last night anymore.....

Damn him.

Me....

Good news: I recently brought a brand new laptop(I'm a MAC girl now!) with a new credit card. Since losing my job, I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to pay off the full amount before the interest rates kick in next year. Well, I'm happy to report that I'm getting a good amount of money from my tax return that I'll be able to pay off my laptop in FULL!

Bad news: I owe the state $43.00...fuckers

Good news: Thank goodness I paid taxes on my unemployment checks. I know plenty of people who refused to pay taxes on their unemployment checks because they wanted to keep that money to themselves. I knew that once tax time comes around, it was going to bite them in the ass!

Bad news: I'm really sick. I know I have a cold, but I saw white dots on the back of my throat this morning, which could mean strep throat(oh fucking joy), so I'm going to head to the doctor tomorrow morning.

Good news: Blocked nerdboy on aff and yahoo messenger before our supposed "date", so that's the end of him. Good riddance to bullshit.

Bad news: When the hell am I going to get some ass from tat boy? I think it's HIGH time for me to light fire under his ass. Yeah ok, Aunt Flo bitchass was in town last week, but I've been cured since Thursday, so I BETTER get some this week or we going to have some trouble in Harlem.

Good news: I finally planned my trip to Italy! I'm so happy!!!!!

Bad news: I have NO money(since I was screwed financially this week), but I really want to go to pole class today, BUT I don't feel well, BUT I can NOT stay in this house another day.

I'm beyond bored at the moment.

Kids...

I'm sick...

SICK...

my dance studio fucked up my bank account therefore pissing me OFF beyond belief...

my weekend is shot to hell because of it.....

I want to kick kittens because I'm that fucking pissed off about my money situation...

So I'm going incognegro until everything is settled money-wise....

and the Swede on aff can kiss my ass with his nonsense....

I don't want to do it.....

I'm cancelling my date with nerdboy.
I've been thinking about it, and I don't want to.

He fucked up, because I really don't believe that "I've been soooo busy" bullshit, because when he wanted ass, he damn sure knew how to be "un-busy" and if I'm not mistaken, I sent him a text....3 weeks ago that went unanswered!

So fuck him.

I'm going to plan my trip this weekend instead!
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Um, Happy Birthday?

When we left off, I was trying to figure out what to get tat boy for his birthday since he invited me to spend his birthday with him.

At first I was going to get him a card, cupcake, and a book or a bowl(for his weed), but then I didn't know what kind of book to get him(he's really into politics and international conflicts).

So after much deliberation, I got him a book about a young boy killed during the Iraqi War, cracker jacks, and peanut butter m&m's (since he likes to freeze them and eat them).

When we finally met up, we yapped all the way to Harlem, stopped by a Mexican restaurant to pick up dinner, and headed to his place to watch movies and chill.

Now this is where things get murky....

Aunt Flo bitchass is in town and he knew that, so he promised that we were going to chill and I promised him and myself that I was going to behave in my condition....

Who fucking knew that not even FIVE minutes that I was there, my shirt and bra were off and we were going at it like rabbits?

HE started it something FIERCE! He was like a animal dammit!

DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!

But, no, we didn't have sex....

he wanted to smack my ass, but since I was wearing granny panties and my granny pad that was a HELLLL NO.

So after I blessed him with a birthday bj(he asked for it, adorable I tell ya), we calmed down, and ate dinner while we watched a cheesy ass movie with Kurt Russell and Issac Hayes.

So while watching the movie, I decided to lay down after eating a HUGE Mexican meal

and boy did I regret that by the end of the night.

So after the movie ended, we chatted and decided to watch "American Psycho", which was so fucking disturbing on so many LEVELS(Christan Bale was AWESOME!)

And that's when things went down south....for me.

I started to feel queasy, like "oh shit, this food has not settled in my stomach, I'm going to throw up" queasy....right in the middle of the movie.

So I braved it through the movie and by the time the movie ended, I was fighting back chunks(long story short, after the longest cab ride and train ride ever, I went home and emptied my guts and felt better)

Well, tat boy realized that I wasn't looking so well, so I told him that I felt nauseous and that I needed to relax for a moment.

We laid in bed with the lights turned off, and while he rubbed my back and stomach, we traded stories about our childhoods.

It was nice....

and there was a forehead kiss in there somewhere....

So after I decided that I realllly needed to go home(by this time I was beyond nauseous) , he walked me to the subway, gave me a quick kiss goodbye and I went home.

Anyhoots, I told him that it's ok that if he can't get out of working this weekend.

So it will be nerd boy this weekend instead...

Oh fucking joy.

Snow sucks, tat boy shocks me, and nerdboy is back?

I really can not stress how much I despise snow right now, and that sucks as someone who grew up loving snow as a kid.

Now?

I can't wait for the spring! I'm soooo over the extra layers of clothing, the cold air, wet streets, and just everything about winter.

Belch.

Onto the penis meat......

Shocker 1: fucky hit me up and we had another 2 second conversation, so I finally grew fed up with his shit and put his midget tongue ass on my ignore list.


Shocker fucking 2: nerdboy pops the fuck up. Long story short, he was working a lot and now that he has his place to himself again, he wants us to hook up again. So I said sure, why not?(Unless tatboy can snaggle a session this weekend) Because little does this dumbass knows, he has a one shot deal to turn the ship around. So we're suppose to hook up on Saturday.

And can I be honest?

I'm really not looking forward to it...

Why?

Because I *need* to get my grubby hands on tat boy again.

Why?

Because I *realllly* like this dude's whole fucking being in the bedroom. I mean even when we're spent and tired, he's always playing with my body...

I LOVE that!

I'm spoiled dammit.

And since we're talking about tat boy....

I remembered awhile back he mentioned his birthday so I thought nothing of it until he went away this past weekend(detective skills and all).

So while chatting on Monday, he casually mentioned that his birthday was Tuesday.

Ok..cool!

So we talked about how we don't like to make a big deal about our birthdays and then he asked me if I wanted to come to his place and watch a movie on Tuesday after work.

*screeching halt*


errrr....ok...cool....noooo biggie...

and yes it did kinda make me kinda of mushy....ok LOTS OF MUSHY ALL RIGHT!

I tried to get that Q to shake my ass out of my mushiness and her ass was no help!


Next up?

What to get a dude who you're porking?

to be continued....

PMS, nature's cock blocker...

This weekend, I:

• helped my mother babysit the boys
• thought my sister was dead in a ditch(she's ok)
• and my period decided to make an appearance

Which means....

NO ass....

and on top of the that, tat boy is working BOTH Saturday and Sunday next weekend(mind you Red Sonya leaves on Thursday)....so who knows when I'm going to get some sans ropas.

Funny thing about tat boy, he went away this weekend(I think it was his birthday weekend), and the last time we spoke was Thursday, now, I didn't hear from him on Friday or Saturday.

So, I was waiting to see if he was going to contact me while he was away(because I was NOT going to contact him first).

and he did....

On Sunday afternoon, he sent a Happy V-day text(and to be honest, I was in such a bitchy mood(cramps), I seriously contemplated NOT responding.)

But I did.

He went on to tell me that he didn't have a good time in Baltimore(I have a feeling a vagina was involved), I told him about my horrific weekend, he wanted to know how soon can he get his hands on me and I sadly informed him that Aunt Flo was in town so he won't be able to see me until next weekend and that was when he told me he was scheduled to work Saturday and Sunday.

*oh fuck me with a straw*

I hate mother nature, I hate her cockblocking ass. I don't even WANT kids, how come I have to suffer from this crap!

But whatever, he's determined to make me .......cum this coming weekend.

So we shall see how *he* plans on doing this because from *my* standpoint....I'm not getting ass from him until NEXT Monday!

*faints*

Yes I want more rice!

I don't understand why everytime I order food from Chipotle, I have to ask for more rice and chicken?

Look people, I'm paying 8 bucks for a meal, can you please serve me 8 dollars worth of food?

Geez.

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Third's time a charm....

I'm still pissy about my team losing and I plan on staying this way until Friday.

Now onto my date with TatBoy.

Earlier in the week, we agreed to spend the afternoon together before the game, so I headed over to his place yesterday to spend some time(aka have sex) with him.

When I got there, he was putting away his laundry, so we were shooting the breeze until his room was appropriate and what not.

Previously, he had asked me to bring my heels because he wanted to watch me walk around his place naked because apparently watching my ass jiggle while walking in heels will turn him on, GREATLY!

I didn't realize how much until I was buttass naked strolling around his place in my fuck me heels.

That dude LOST his ever loving shit while watching me walk around his place. I felt like I was prey and being stalked....I LOVED it. It was hot, intense, and the air was crinkling with SUSPENSE!

I was sexually molested by his living room window where ANYONE could see us(HAWWWTTTT), then he ate my glorious Nicole(aka my ass) by the kitchen window, I mean dude was on all fours in his kitchen going to town! Then he made me walk back into living room where I was gagged by his cock, then spanked while I was braced on the window sill(glorious really). He was very grabby and that turned me on sooo much.

And yes, he had me put the heels on again so he can videotape me walking around his place...

for jackoff purposes.

All I can say after that was that I was pretty much fucked within my existence from the moment we started(around 2) until I left his place at damn near 7pm(yeah I had to HAUL ASS to my sis's place for her superbowl party, talk about running LATE)

This dude was soo on point, I mean I got a great massage, ass/body/pussy worship of EPIC levels, nommables at every angle at any given time, even when he was soft(I mean, you know how a pig revels in mud? Replace the pig with his face and the mud with my cooch), neck assaults(lord I loved it when he were in the middle of some serious foreplay and he assaulted the back of my neck with his beard, teeth, tongue, and breath while he dry humped me from the back......*dies*), AWESOME DOGGIE....my gawd, his cock ring gives my g-spot vapors, 69 that makes his toes curl because he likes his face to be buried in my ass?, just cripes.

Goodness.

Fuck the Saints

Yeah I said it.

Don't give a shit.
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Tat boy.......

This one?

*wipes brow*

Let's get to the important things:

5'11, yup 5'11 and it WORKS for me!
Full arm sleeves.....*throw panties*
COCK RING......OMGGGGGGGGGGG

So we had a "date" a week ago and let me rehash the good parts:

*i wanna marry his cock, because that fucking cock ring?????????? *screams* that shit felt beyond amazing, sooooo fucking amazing

*multiple orgasms

*he was creative!!!! he would give me the most amazing dick down and pull out and then head downtown to lick, bite and tongue me into stupidity...ASS included!.and when his teeth would scrape my lady bits and my no no hole??????? ohmygod

*I assulted his ass with my tongue and that sonabitch was SCREAMInG becuse he never had a chick do that to him, and trust me I was down there for a minute!(The words Fuck, Jesus, what the fuck, loud as fuck moaning, shit were the words of choice during this)

*that average size cack was beyond amazing, that shit felt beyond good
And he worked me over something FiRece!

*i screamed...a lot!

Round one included:
*Me being on my knees while his face was buried in my ass
*this nigga had me hanging off the bed for doggie...jose h. Cripes....I omg, omfg
*more fucking doggie!!!!!! Such a goood fucking doggie
*more dick pull out and pussy and ass licking
*some many fucking positions I lost count.
*boy was sweating!!!!!
*he came on my ass

Round two included:
*69
*GIRL ON TOP GOODNESS, jesus the boy was a lost cause to nicole(his ass worship is awe inspiring, he would slap her, make her jiggle, open her wide yummmmm), I fucking squirted, shit HE told me that I squirted, I was off in la-la land, that fucking cock ring assulted my gspot reapeatedly thru the night and he was loud as fuck(amazing compliments on my body, soft skin and how incredibly wet I was), my fucking goodness, that had to be my most favorite position with him, christ it was that fucking good because when I was getting weak homeboy took over something FIRECE
* me in some scissor type position while he pulvarized me....*faints*
*more doggie...yummmy I can't get over his fucking stroke, good god, his stroke had me on edge because I never knew what to expect with him.
Like he knows how to work that shit

*more come on the ass.....apparently me spanking my ass and spreading my buttcheeks reallly turns him on

Then he stated that I was hired(bwah) and that we had to do that again....soon

ROUND FUCKING THREE
Was never suppose to happen! I was tired but he likes my nipples and well....
*we couldn't yell because his roomie was home
*my long ignored neck was blessed with his tongue
*missionary was not ur mother's missonary because this summabitch had my legs together while he he he was hitting my lengthwise on the slant(I think I died a little death at this time), I mean this shit was INTENSE soooooo fucking intense it was, and when he went deep(legs on his shoulders goodness), with that cock ring?????????

And then he turned me over for some amazing doggie, then he came on my ass again.......seeing it jiggle really gets him

He said thank god for the internet!

But fuck me with a stick, the boy was PERFECT he played with my body(and not just fingers, but kisses all over), my neck was not ignored, and christ it was beyond fucking good, like I wanna make him team president!

I have zero issues trooping to harlem for that, goodness......

And let me add, that our second date?????

Round fucking one......

Extreme doggie....*twirls*

Round fucking two had to take the cake because....he was high, therefore EXTREMELY horny......plus we were watching a video of him jerking off and I decided to fuck with his spirit.

That led too......

The boy ate me foreverrrrrrrrrrrr, flipped me over onto my knees and continue doing the damn thing from all angles.
I got dirty talk, really dirty talk!
He smacked my ass hard, REPEATEDLY
He got a well deserved sloppy top and ass licking(he was one happy man). I destroyed that cock ring
A really rough 69 that resulted in his face being buried in my ass....and had his toes curling........

Then he proceeded to have me on the ropes and hand me my ass, man I don't know if it was because he was high or if was because he got my ass to jiggle during doggie the way he likes, but that cocksucker put IN the work! Cripes

Then he ordered food for me and himself(I was horny and wanted more,but he didn't want to start anything then have the food come, well....that shit worked for 10 minutes, then I proceeded to fuck with his spirit and ended up with his face all up in my ladybits), then we watched a movie(I wanted more but he was high and realllly wanted me to see this movie)

Movie ended, we were getting hot and heavy,

Then his roomie came home and since we are kinda loud, we had to cut the activities short.

Boooooooooooooo

So we bs, got dressed, he walked me to the train platform, gave me a sinful kiss goodbye, promise to plan our get togethers better and that was it.

Up next?

He gave the ok for my domme side to come out and play.

Can't.wait!
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Blah....

Today sucked....HARD.

But.....


I post updates on my awesome dates with Tat boy tomorrow.

Yup, this one is looking like he could be a keeper.

Not you too.........

It's been quite a awhile(dealing with life and shit)

Here's a sexy times update:

So the next runner up in my web of sex&bullshit is Trent aka nerdboy aka whatever dude.

When I first met nerdboy, we bonded over our idea of sex(it's extremely mental for the both of us) and how much we get pleasure from foreplay. Now I'll be honest, that man had my nose WIDE OPEN, I mean we were having mind sex people!. So about a week ago we made a date to meet and greet, and well that was all kinds of fun!

But of course, like fucky(who just hit me up on messenger), he has been a no show for about five days now.

Will he suffer the same fate as fucky? He might, because frankly, both of them have some SERIOUS competition from multiple sex rounds giving, cock ring having, ass worshiping, tattoo sleeves having, Tat boy!

Oh yes, I will go into gory details about my fabulous romp with tat boy tomorrow as we're having a second "date" tonight(at HIS request I might add).

I want to see if our first time was a fluke(because I was past horny that time)or if he's going to keep hitting it out of the park.

Details to come soon.

Lord I hope he knock my walls out tonight.

Wha??????
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Do not pass go...

Name: Kevin

Status: Deactivated

Why: his communication sucked.

This one, like fucktard, showed some promise in the beginning. But one thing I didn't like was his sporadic responses, meaning he would send me a text at 1135pm, I would reply, then nothing from him, but then he would hit me up like a day later, or some other crap.

That ish got annoying, real fast, real quick.

So anyway, we set a date two weeks ago and honestly, I had to be dragged there kicking and screaming. It was cold, I was tired and cranky, and it was the most boring date everrrrr. Goodness I couldn't wait to go home. That night, I decided to cut him off because there was NOTHING there!

But

That very weekend, fucktard did his whole disappearing act and I decided that since Kevin was there, and was a willing participant(he sent an email the next day asking if I wanted to come to his place to watch porn....of *course* I said yes), why not activate him?

So on Sunday we made another date for that coming Friday, why didn't hear anything from this fool, until Thursday afternoon?

Jigga what?

DENIED!

No communication, no ass.

It's that simple.

So after ignoring his lame ass text, I received an email from him the next day asking if we can try to meet up again.

Um....no.

I sent him a email that frankly, there was not enough chemistry(it was the truth!) and that I was no longer interested.

The end!

Next up....?????????
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The story continues.....

So after my "date" with Fucktard, we spoke the next day, just shooting the breeze, reviewing all the things we liked about our time spent in bed, etc etc.

The next morning I woke up horny as hell(what else is new?), so I decided to send Mr. Fucktard a msg to see what he was up to since I was feeling frisky.

And........

No. Response.

Ok, bruh, cool my man.

So at the advice of Dr. Q, I put him on ice until Monday.

Monday comes and goes and no word from him
So does Tuesday
And by Wednesday I'm all over the place wondering what the fuck is going on!

I did remember that he mentioned that his mom was sick so I figured that was one of the reasons why(Q thought he was away on business).

Fast forward to Wednesday night and I had decided to send him a email, a nice one I might add, just to inquire if everything was alright with him.

Thursday morning I checked my email and saw that he responded. He stated that he was out of town on business(San Francisco) that week we didn't speak.(Q was right!)

All good right?

NOOO!


Why?

Because all those nice fuzzy horny feelings are gone.

Gone.

We didn't speak for 5 days and I realized, because of that, I don't even want to bother with him anymore. I mean we chatted that Thursday, but it wasn't the same, it was very generic. I need to be constantly stimulated, stay in contact and keep me interested, disappear and I WILL lose interest.

Also, that tongue business of his fucks with my spirit.

I didn't believe in "out of sight, out of mind" until now.

So anyhoots, I think by Friday, he's going to get the heave ho.

Next!

The next dude we have is a Kevin "I suck at communicating" K.

And the saga continues.....
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Me and mah Boo!

Me and my coco!

and yes that's my mother, who while watching Dr. Oz, decides to YELL REALLY LOUD AND ASK ME if I ever had a UTI.

That friggin woman.

Um yeah about "them"...

Let's call this one fucktard shall we?

I met fucktard last week on this, um, "website". Anyhoots, we talked, flirted and decided to meet up this past Thursday for a little, um one-on-one.

Well, damn.

Let's just say, I'm still sore.

And its Sunday.

Now I sent a nice, cordial msg to Mr. Fucktard reminding him to keep warm. I sent that text Saturday morning, and I have yet to hear from him.

Oh
really?

As per my favorite professor(*wink, wink*), she advised that I put him on ice until further notice.

And you *know* I could never pass up the chance to put someone on ice!

So he will be on ice until Monday night, LATE Monday night!

Ha!

So let's go over my Likes and Dislikes with Mr. Fucktard

Likes
*great chem in and out of the bedroom
*a smartass like me
*likes football
*super smart(investment banker)
*has a FLY APARTMENT and I want to steal his bed
*Italian
*AMAZING doggie
*is a pro with my toys, yum*
*nice body*

Dislikes
*short tongue.
*not a great kisser due to really short tongue*
*a smartass like me*

Yup, you read that right, he has a short tongue. We were kissing and all I could think was where the fuck was the rest of his tongue????? Its super short, which makes sucking his tongue a fucking burden. Ugggg I wondered if he'll be offended if I asked where the rest of tongue was?

So we shall see what happens when I de-frost him on Monday.


Next up? Mr. Ez!

Until next time!
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It's 12:42am....

Damn, I haven't updated in a friggin minute.....

Here's a quick rundown on what's been going on in my life:

*went to the funeral, felt completely overwhelmed being surrounded by my father's family, got drunk and had a Texas size hangover the next day

*work is really busy since the new year, I hope they extend my contract

*met a dude...porked him

*met another dude...going to pork him too on Friday

*resume pole classes, THANK GOD!!!!!!

*brought a new camera, wohhooooooo

The end!
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